Reading Time: 2 minutes

I love reading Christian magazines like Charisma because it always teaches me something.

In the January, 2011 issue, I learned from Bob and Audrey Meisner how to Guard My Marriage Against Infidelity:

It’s like God said: “Thou Shalt Not Have Platonic Friends Because You Know You Secretly Want to Fuck Them.”

(Are Christians incapable of keeping their pants on when they’re alone with someone of the opposite sex?)

Got it, ladies? No makeup with the intention of looking attractive. All other men must think you’re fugly. Only then will your husband truly love you.

Only Jesus can do that.

Damn right. That husband who beats you nightly? You told him “I do” so that means he’s your soulmate forever. No one can ever love you more than him. Which is pretty goddamn sad.

And don’t you even *dare* think about getting a divorce, just because you think you might not be in love anymore. Because you are in love. Jesus said so. You’re just going to have to learn how to live together while mastering the fine art of passive-aggression.

See? Isn’t your marriage stronger already?!