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Yesterday, I ran my first 5K. You all gave me excellent advice and I used absolutely none of it.
Dinner the night before the race? Indian food.
Breakfast the day of the race? Donuts.
Warmup? Who needs that.

Clearly, I was destined to win this race.

Here’s how things went down:

[Race starts]
Me: We’ve only gone two blocks. Why are people running in the opposite direction?
Ladyfriend: Because they’re almost done with the race.
Me: Are you &$*%ing kidding me?
[A block later]
Me: This is the most I’ve ever run ever. I think I’m gonna die.
Ladyfriend: Stop dying! We’ll walk for a bit and then run to that stop sign up ahead.
Me: Fine, but then I quit.
[30 seconds later]
Me: [Panting] Are we almost done?
Ladyfriend: Only 2.5 miles to go.
Me: When this race ends, we’re *so* over.
[About 36 minutes later]
Ladyfriend: Look, it’s the finish line!
Me: [Gasping] I. Think. My. Lungs. Are. Gonna. Ex. Plode.
Ladyfriend: We’re going to sprint the rest of the way!
Me: [Gasping] You. Go. I’m. Watching.
Ladyfriend: Time to sprin–AHHHHHH!
[She splats on the ground]
Me: Uh. Oh.
Ladyfriend: My hands are bleeding 🙁
Me: [Gasping] At. Least. I. Will. Beat. You. [Start to pick up speed]
Ladyfriend: NEVER!
[She runs ahead and beats me by a couple seconds]

That’s how I remember it, anyway.
She got checked out by a local medic… other than the gaping holes in her hands, I think she’s ok.

(Yep, I’m the good guy, taking a picture while she’s in pain. Got video, too!)
My final time was 41:02. This means a few things:
— I’m on p. 66 of the official results page. There are only 71 pages. You can never hold this against me.
— All you people who run “marathons” are *%$&ing crazy.
— I suppose there’s something to be said for training…
I asked the ladyfriend if she wanted to add anything to this summary. She suggested the following:

He survived. But he got beat by a girl. Who was injured.

As for her parents, we all ended up driving to the 5K together, so I got to meet them after all. Nice people 🙂
Somehow, I’m doing another 5K in two weeks. I swear it all sounded like a brilliant plan before I actually had to do it…