Reading Time: 2 minutes

There’s been talk recently of those websites which automatically send a letter to the “unsaved” in the case of the Rapture. If the Christian webmasters don’t log in for a week, it is assumed the Rapture has happened and emails are sent out accordingly.

But the real question in all this is: What do Christians do with their heathen Left-Behind pets?

There are some temporary options:

  • Pet Sitters
  • You should have multiple back up sitters available in case your primary sitter is taken up in the Rapture.
  • You’ll also need some kind of system to alert them that you’ve been taken up. You’ll probably need to have some kind of prepayment plan, since you won’t be around to write checks.
  • For advice on picking a pet sitter, check out Evaluation
  • Pet Food
    • You’ll need some kind of auto dispenser as well. The Rapture and Tribulation times will be very chaotic, so something with a battery backup may be a good idea.
    • This should only be needed for a short time assuming you’ve made other arrangements for them through a sitter or friends.

    But we all know those are short term solutions. How do you care for your pets in the long run?

    You need to give your pets to someone who will definitely not be Raptured.

    Like atheists and Hindus.

    No, really. There’s a mathematical formula and everything:

    Suitability Index = Reliability Index * (100 – Rapture Index)

    In other words, how Suitable you are to care for the unsaved pets depends on how Reliable you are and how unlikely you are to get Raptured.

    Let’s see the full list:

    Religion Rapture Index Reliability Index Comments
    Atheist 0 90 Not going to be Raptured. Will probably think the whole thing is an alien abduction. Ask to see PETA membership card.
    Buddhist 0 30 Many Buddhists are Asian and could consider dogs/cats to be ‘game’
    Hindu 0 90 Unlikely to eat pet. It could be their reincarnated uncle.
    Mormon 20 70 ‘Extended Family’ makes pet care easy!
    Catholic 30 70 Guilt based reliability. Won’t be Raptured unless Pope says it’s okay.
    Jewish 0/50 80 First number is for Reform Jews. Second is for Orthodox. Both have practiced ‘guilt based’ reliability for thousands of years longer than Catholic.
    Baptist 60 60 Probably will get Raptured and probably would take care of your pet.
    First Baptist 70 50 More likely to be Raptured. May accidentally drown pet at mass baptism.
    Southern Baptist 80 40 Pretty likely to be Raptured. Will write strong letter to congressman if not. Could take frustration out on pet.
    Pentecostal 90/100 30/0/100 First number is standard Pentecostal. Second is for snake handling version. The third number is for if your pet is a snake, and they are snake handlers.
    Satanist 0 0 Not going to be Raptured under any circumstances. Will be very busy with ‘Tribulation’ parties. You probably don’t want your pet going to one of those.

    It’s so scientific and mathematical! How can you deny it?!


    [tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]