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A new ad campaign aims to spend $1 billion to place the image of Jesus on every single piece of toast in the United States of America. This ambitious plan comes on the heels of the $100 million effort to make Jesus the “biggest brand in your city.”

He Gets Us

The $100 million He Gets Us campaign specifically targeted Millenials and Generation Z. Seeing that those age groups are far less religious than older Americans, the marketing agency Haven created videos, billboards, and striking ads on public transportation. These pieces depict Jesus’ struggles on Earth and give the impression the person depicted in the Bible who was supposedly 100% man and 100% God is pretty relatable.

“When Jesus fed the multitudes with loaves and fish, well, that made my struggle with not having enough money to feed my family very relatable,” said one anonymous dad. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but did Jesus ever have to do a GoFundMe fundraiser because his dad couldn’t afford chemotherapy?”

Jesus Toast

It’s no secret that while Jesus has not returned to judge the world, his image has graced millions of pieces of toast worldwide. Christians have found solace and serenity while reflecting on the Messiah as they cover His image with butter, peanut butter, or jam and devour Him. While the Catholic Church refuses to call officially call the act a sacrament, many priests say the act brings the faithful closer to God.

A coalition of wealthy Christian families is funding Jesus Toast. Canard Marketing Unlimited (CMU) is organizing the strategy and hopes to meet its bold objectives in a matter of months. CMU’s CEO Andrew Canard isn’t just relying on prayer to corner the faith-based toast market. He’s planning to use part of the budget to lobby politicians to force Christian toasters and grilled sandwich presses into schools, restaurants, and private homes.

Religious liberty laws gives us the power to put Jesus into every mouth.

Andrew Canard

Though it’s difficult to believe, some people have a problem with Jesus Toast. A number of Jewish congregations do not believe placing the image of the very Christian Jesus on challah bread is kosher. “Challah is Ashkenazi Jewish in origin. Christians can buy our bread and do whatever they want with it, no matter how heinous it is,” an anonymous rabbi said. “But to force us to eat Jesus toast goes against what religious liberty actually means.”

CMU’s CEO Andrew Canard responded with a press release saying that evangelical Jesus determines what words mean.

In related news, Jesus tells the world that Marjorie Taylor Greene is no longer forgiven.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...