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Every new school year brings the promise of nutritious and delicious school lunches, engaging in intellectually stimulating activities, and for high schoolers the realization that Sartre was right, Hell is other people. However, it isn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows. School shootings are a horrible reality. ACME Inc. is trying to make schools safer with its new line of 3D printable children.

ACME is providing basic blueprints to parents for free. A concerned Mum or Dad will be able to download the instructions and then print a generic child. 3D printer instructions are available for kids aged 3-18.

“Other companies attempted to make schools safe from shootings by giving kids bulletproof vests and AR-15s,” stated ACME CEO Andrew Canard. “ACME is supplying 3D printable human shields.”

The 3D printable students supply three different responses to an active shooter situation:

  1. Take the seat of a “real” student while said child is hiding.
  2. Attack the shooter.
  3. Offer up thoughts and prayers while writing a check to the NRA. After all, after shootings there’s always talk of gun control. What better way to defend freedom then to give money to the NRA ?

But how does ACME make money when its giving away its blueprints for free?

While the company is offering the basic design for no fee on the internet, it does make money through these methods:

  1. 24-hour tech support Do you need someone to tell you to turn your 3D-printable child off and on to fix some software glitch? ACME’s support staff will do that with the maximum amount of snark and contempt.
  2. Personalized designs The basic 3D-printable child is just that, basic. While they will take a bullet(s) for your kid, no one would mistake the robot for little Sally or Billy. For a small fee, ACME will provide a blueprint that will make your 3D-printable child look and behave like the real thing.
  3. Build-a-Child Centers Like Build-a-Bear stores where kids can design their very own teddy bears, Build-a-Child Centers will print out your product! If you order online, then all you have to do is go down to the mall and pick up your 3D-printed child.

There are some limitations on who can 3D-print a minor. Massachusetts recently passed a law stating Catholic priests are not allowed to get within 100 feet of 3D-printed children.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...