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Brianna
Jesus wants me to obey my daddy/bae.

Sunflower, Mississippi  Tate Wicker, a 47 year old member of Stone Mustard Seed Church, has legally adopted his 18 year old girlfriend Brianna Byram so that she will have to obey him as the Bible commands.

Mr Wicker waited until the proverbial ink was dry on the adoption document to unveil the real reason why Brianna can now legally call him daddy.

“We were going out for three full months when it was decided that she was a little to wild for my liking,” the 47 year old high school teacher explained. “We’re both God fearing people, and we looked to the Bible to fix the pickle we were in.”

After a lot of prayer and hours reading the good book, Tate received divine inspiration. The Holy  Spirit reportedly appeared to him and pointed out several Bible verses that illustrated God’s plan for the parent-child relationship

  • Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. Exodus 20:12
  • The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it. Proverbs 30:17

Mr Wicker stated that he discussed the matter in depth with the third entity of the Trinity. He spoke his heart and stated that he felt he may be getting too involved with a girl who is 29 years his junior.

The Holy Spirit does not just educate the faithful, but also comforts them. To console the follower of Christ the Holy Spirit reminded Mr Wicker that he could always sell his new daughter as a sex slave.

If a man sells his daughter as a female slave, she is not to go free as the male slaves do. Exodus 21:7  New American Standard Bible

That was the missing piece of the puzzle that sealed the deal for him. That very day he called the best lawyer in the county and started the paperwork going to adopt Miss Byram.

He didn’t immediately tell her God’s plan, however.

“Brianna is a nice girl but she gets thoughts in her head sometimes,” he mused philosophically. “She does the Snapchat, and I suspect all sorts of devilish ideas get communicated in those snaps.”

He broke the news to her at the local Dave and Busters. The couple were playing skeeball when he broke the news. At first his golden haired girlfriend with the My Little Pony shirt on was a bit skeptical. All of her worry was put to rest when Mr Wicker told her about his conversation with the Holy Spirit.

Even though she didn’t quite cotton to the sex slave option, Brianna knew that Jesus stated  …Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Mathew 5:18

“I understand that to mean that Jesus supports the whole Bible — not just the “good” parts,” Brianna said.

The happy couple is celebrating this august event by going to the Creation Museum with the hope of learning more about faith-based incestuous relationships.

 

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...