A Catholic priest was rushed to St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Brighton, Massachusetts after suffering injuries while attempting to exorcise the devil from a Maine Coon cat named King.
King’s owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, called Father Andrew Canard late last night with concerns that the 20-pound feline was demonically possessed. The priest immediately rushed to the residence to observe the situation firsthand.
“I know Father Canard attended a seminar at Rome’s Regina Apostolorum University on how to determine the difference between mental illness and possession,” the fur daddy said. “I prayed he could help my cat.”
The Catholic Church officially considers these behaviors to be symptomatic of demonic possession.
- Hatred towards religious objects.
- Bizarre body positions.
- Screeching and wailing.
- Knowledge of events the individual couldn’t know about.
The Maine Coon cat King had all of them.
“That animal shredded a Bible and then urinated on it. And how did King know I have a lifetime ban from every single Chuk E Cheese ball pit?” Father Canard said.
Sources report the Maine Coon was named after noted author and Maine native Stephen King. Neighbors say the 3-year-old cat should’ve been named It, Randall Flagg, or Cujo. Wherever the pet went, it left a trail of destruction. Many who know the animal admit they’ve crossed the street when King was in sight.
“That cat was happy catching mice in my barn, and that idiot brother of mine thought it would be awesome to adopt it and bring it to the city,” said someone close to King’s owner.
Under normal circumstances, the possessed individual would be physically restrained while the exorcist follows the 84-page manual Of Exorcisms and Certain Supplications. The process includes the recitation of prayers, signs of the cross, and the reading of Bible verses. However, the 20-pound King refused to be physically restrained and the ritual never really started.
Trying to restrain a feral animal is a bad idea. And don’t try to exorcise a cat.
– Misty Snell D.V.M. and owner of Pet Smart Animal Hosptial
Paramedics rushed Father Canard to St. Elizabeth’s Hospital shortly after his aborted attempt to restrain King. The priest reportedly suffered major lacerations of the hands, face, and neck. He is expected to make a full recovery.
King’s owner plans to bring the cat back to the barn.
In related news, Elon Musk plans to buy Twitter and Infowars.
*Ms. Snell’s image courtesy of Unsplash.com