A new study by the Theological Institute of Technology shows that an overwhelming percentage of conservative men believe uteruses are communists.
Researchers asked 3,474 self-identified conservative men what they thought of the female reproductive system. Even though the scientists expected extreme answers, they were surprised by the results.
- 88% consider uteruses are communists.
- 72% believe uteruses are hiding banned books that teach kids critical race theory.
- 109% think fetuses need ankle monitors.
Professor Andrew Canard is the lead author of the paper Conservative Men Hate Women. “These guys don’t understand women and that frightens them quite a bit,” he said. “In true conservative fashion, they attack what frightens them.”
The data points to possible ways of mitigating the toxic effect conservative male misogyny has on the broader culture.
- Creating a new cryptocurrency Uteruscoin. Researchers expect crypto bros would flock to the new coin. Just exposing them to the word uterus should lower their anxiety levels.
- Having conservative conspiracy theorist podcaster Joe Rogan conduct a 4-hour interview with an ivermectin bottle that has nice things to say about uteruses.
- Convince voters that voting for a strong social safety net and taxing the hell out of American oligarchs is the way of creating a society that doesn’t devolve into Christo-fascism.
Bill Donahue of the Catholic League went on the attack after hearing about the peer-reviewed study and its recommendations. “It’s clearly stated in the Bible that uteruses are Lucifer’s connection to this earthly realm. We must be ever vigilant against pro-Luciferean uterine propaganda,” he said.
Radical Qanon Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene doubled down on the rhetoric and insisted that Jewish uteruses are the most problematic of all. Insiders report she is authoring a bill that would require Jewish uteruses to have Christian babies.
In related news, Disney evicts Governor Ron DeSantis.