Brookline, MA America’s Exam Kitchen (AEX), the country’s premier television show on cooking, has proven what every anti-theist has known for years: Religion poisons everything. The staff have been working tirelessly behind the scenes and have been adding religion to every single appetizer, main dish, side, and dessert imaginable. Every single time religion has had deleterious effects.
“We sprinkled some religion onto well marbled boneless strip steaks before searing, and those steaks miraculously turned into McDonald Quarter Pound patties,” stated AEX’s Head Chef Michael Khannard. “We were all gobsmacked. We had imagined the worst case scenario would have been the steaks turning into Five Guys burgers.”
Even though religion did make everything worse, in low doses there were weird effects.
“I put some into some scrambled eggs, and I bet you’d think the eggs would come out dry and rubbery, but that didn’t happen,” Chef Khannard reported. “Taste testers reported that the eggs tasted stupid. I’m not a scientist, but I know that the tongue has no taste buds that can detect dumb.”
After tasting the breakfast food, Chef Khannard admitted that the eggs seemed have a less intelligent flavor. In fact, after eating a few spoonfuls he found FOX News informative. The effects were temporary, thankfully.
The real surprise came when religion-infused heavy cream replaced run of the mill heavy cream in a batch of creme brulee.
“At first there were no noticeable differences when we used the new cream. We whisked the ingredients together and baked for the normal amount of time. After the creme brulee set up, we did what we usually do and let them sit in a refrigerator for a day,” the chef stated.
However, when the cooking team opened up the refrigerator the next day things were not normal. Not normal at all.
“We had placed the creme brulee to cool in a refrigerator that had other food in it. When I opened the door the creme brulee had taught the butter Intelligent Design and had beheaded the crowns of broccoli,” the chef tearfully explained.
AEK’s team coined the term Fundamentalist Ratio, for when the tipping point is crossed and the amount of religion in a dish causes it to become violent. Because the Fundamentalist Ratio is so difficult to predict — due to the elevation where the food is being prepared and how much ambient religion the person who is eating the food already has in his or her system — AEK strongly suggests religion be banned from the kitchen altogether.
The recommendation for religion’s ban from the kitchen has met with heavy resistance from around the globe.
“Even if the government didn’t order absurd amounts of religion in my food, I would still do it,” stated Omar Sharif, owner of Saudi Arabia’s esteemed chain of restaurants, The Falafel King.
In America the powerful Christian Food Imperium lobbying group is trying to convince lawmakers to use religious additives to school lunches. Republican Presidential Candidates are pushing the agenda because they wish to protect their religious liberties.
In related news, AEK reported that adding math to food is good for you — regardless of how it tastes.