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Dear NASA,

Hello! I, the Planet Mars, am writing you today to gently ask you to get off my lawn.

Of course, there are no lawns on my surface so when I say get off my lawn what I’m really saying is get all of your junk off my lovely heavenly body. I officially have no desire to be colonized by would-be space monkeys.

NASA, you may be thinking, Red Planet is acting awfully cheeky. It needs to check itself before it wrecks itself. And to that, I gently say with love and affection, Screw You!

Even though I am about 76.394 million miles away from you, I, the Planet Mars, have been keeping an eye on Earth for quite some time. Loved Earth during the Cambrian explosion. I haven’t seen such a blossoming of life in all my years. Well, I could go on and on about dinosaurs, too. Sure, there were extinctions but all in all Earth’s story is life persevering against all odds.

However, I am not a fan of Homo sapiens.

I, the planet you named after — who was that again? — oh, that’s right, the Roman God of War, am not happy with, well, people. (Do I hold a grudge because you projected your violent predisposition towards group conflict on me just because of my reddish hue? Yes. Yes, I do.) But that isn’t what put a bee in my bonnet.

It’s because you found organic matter on my surface and I am afraid that little discovery will open the floodgates of more rovers and inevitably colonizers who will want to make TikTok challenges about eating Martian sand mixed with NyQuil.

Do you think I’m overreacting? Take a look at the article NASA’s Mars Perseverance Rover Finds Intriguing Organic Matter in Rock and its threatening subtitle, Just wait until we get the rocks into a lab on Earth. And if you want to get the quickie version of what’s going on, let me tell you what you already know: There is a plan to abduct some of me, the Planet Mars, bring it back to Earth, and conduct experiments on it.

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Not cool, NASA. And if I were going to be not-so-passively aggressive about it, I’d write something like I wouldn’t expect anything else from an organization that welcomed literal Nazis with open arms.

But I’m better than that.

In closing, stay away. Far away. How far?

Whatever number you’re thinking of it’s not far away enough for me, the Planet Mars.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Planet Mars


Editor’s note: Earth and Mars may be joining forces to find an appropriately sized asteroid to get rid of humanity.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...