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The political group dedicated to fighting white supremacy and fascism, Antifa, voted yesterday to officially give the abolitionist John Brown the august title of Defender of Freedom. The posthumous award celebrates the actions of the man who many believe would be a leading figure in today’s fight against President Donald J. Trump and his supporters.

John Brown led an unsuccessful slave revolt in 1859 when he and his allies captured the federal armory at Harpers Ferry, Virginia. Brown was captured by no other than Robert E. Lee and later sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, John Brown wrote, “I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. I had, as I now think, vainly flattered myself that without very much bloodshed it might be done.”

Professor Andrew Canard teaches Trumpian and Fascist Strategems at Miskatonic University in Providence, Rhode Island. He believes John Brown is the perfect person for Antifa’s title, Defender of Freedom.

“Look, in retrospect, we can clearly see John Brown’s actions against the white supremacist and anti-democratic regime of the South as a manifestation of the principles Antifa holds dear,” Professor Canard noted. “John Brown is a hero of freedom in the same vein as the Irish Republican Army (IRA) was in the 1920s when it fought against British Imperialism.”

There are rumors that this latest move by the antifascist organization may have spurred a new series of ministrokes in President Donald Trump. Anonymous sources state the 45th President of the United States is at an undisclosed medical facility in Washington DC and fervently Googling John Brown’s name.

In related news, Jerry Falwell Jr states “Jesus had to watch God impregnate the Virgin Mary.”

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...