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Boston MA – Local atheist Andrew Canard has yet to find a God-sized hole in his heart, and he’s been looking off and on for it since the COVID-19 pandemic started.

Blaise Pascal is known for this theory of godless emptiness. “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made know through Jesus Christ,” the 17th-century thinker chortled one night long ago while playing Pascal’s Wager bingo.

However, Mr. Canard reports he hasn’t found any evidence of vacuum, void, or any other missing element in his life and/or. psyche.

“I had an ultrasound of my heart just before the pandemic started, and my doctor reassured me there wasn’t any gaping cavity crying out for God there,” he remarked. “A month ago I shut the bathroom door, turned on the hot shower, and sat there in my homemade sweat lodge. I didn’t discover any God-sized hole in my fictitious soul.”

Mr. Canard states he conducted a hard target search in his humble one-bedroom condo for the psychological void. The only thing he found were a few lonely socks.

The atheist mused out loud about his unsuccessful(?) quest. “Maybe Pascal was wrong. I looked for quite a while, and I don’t have a longing to believe in something there isn’t any evidence for. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m muddling through it just like everyone else.”

In related news, a local religious man became an atheist and turned into a serial killer.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...