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Peter was exercising plausible deniability.

And Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another disciple. Now that disciple was known to the high priest, and went with Jesus into the courtyard of the high priest. 16 But Peter stood at the door outside. Then the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out and spoke to her who kept the door, and brought Peter in. 17 Then the servant girl who kept the door said to Peter, “You are not also one of this Man’s disciples, are you?”

He said, “I am not.” – John 18: 15-17

A new study from the Theological Institute of Theology (T.I.T.) utilized cutting edge thought tracking technology to determine how many times a Christian in the United States of America denies Jesus Christ. The average number of occurrences, 1,398,989,  reflects a lifetime ignoring the sick, the helpless, and needy.

The longitudinal study was years in the making and tracked 11,379 Christians who self-reported to be “very devout.” Their behavior was monitored by orbital mind scanning infra-hypocrisy technology. All subjects went to a worship service at least once a week. 78% served as church elders during the study. 88% of the women made some sort of casserole of ambiguous quality for a potluck dinner. SPAM may or may not have been involved. While the thought screening satellites were able to plumb the deepest denials of Christ, it was impossible to discern the ingredients in said casseroles.

When the study was first getting organized, researchers struggled with a behavioral definition for denying Christ. The Old and New Testaments point to the need for helping those in need, and Mathew 25: 35-40 resolved the debate:

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

“It turns out that Christians deny the heck out of Jesus every day of their lives,” stated gobsmacked T.I.T. Professor Andrew Canard. “They deny Jesus more than a creationist denies basic science.”

Subjects of the study at first attempted to act in a Christ-like manner. It is assumed by scientists there was a “honeymoon period” when those being monitored wanted to appear as good as possible. However, within days those observed resorted to lying about how much they gave to their church on their taxes, refusing to help the homeless, and passively accepting the fact that Nazis were trendy in America.

Professor Canard mused on the results, “We had a control group of atheists. They too cheated on their taxes, refused to help the homeless, and passively accepted National Socialism. At least they weren’t hypocrites about it. Thank God for small miracles.”


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...