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Washington DC – It’s that special time of year. All around the country Americans are getting ready to celebrate Christmas 2020 the best they can. Families are scheduling virtual celebrations with loved ones on Zoom. Amazon is working hard to make sure every present gets to where it needs to be in time for the holiday. Children are making out last minute requests to Santa. And even though Barron is 15 years old, the youngest in Clan Trump has a special present in mind. He wants Santa to make him adopted.

Barron Trump’s letter to Santa was leaked to the press early today. It reveals a teen who is fed up with the crooked crime syndicate family he’s in.

Barron’s Desperate Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

This is going to be an odd request, but I didn’t know who to turn to. To put it simply I just don’t want to be part of this family. You are a busy Jolly Olde Elf. During the course of the last four years have you noticed my family is a burning dumpster fire of poo? Because it is. My brothers pocket charity money. My mother is a lazy money-grubbing prostitutie. And Dad? Oh my fictitious god, he was one step from turning the United States of America into a banana republic.

I don’t know how you can do it. Maybe you can go back in time or pop me into a parallel universe where my family aren’t idiots and mean people. Perhaps the simplest way to get me out of this situation is to have my “real parents” show up and take me away from this asylum.

Please make this Christmas miracle happen.

Sincerely,

Barron Trump

PS – Can you legally change my name too?

Will Santa Make This Dream Come True?

Andrew Canard is Chief Elf at Santa’s workshop. He told the press Santa has a strict policy on not publicly or privately responding to requests. If he did so, then the amount of Christmas magic may drop to dangerous levels. “Even if we tell one person they are getting what they want, the reindeer may not fly,” Canard quipped.

Friends of Barron’s are forming a letter-writing campaign to see if they can help. The reasoning goes if Santa gets a bunch of letters requesting Barron’s liberation, then the dream may just come true.

In related news, Iceland bans these religious practices.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...