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The Blind Watchmaker was recently found living in the little hamlet of Sandford, England. The process by which species of animals and plants that are best adapted to their environment survive and reproduce, while those that are less well adapted die out has tried to keep a low profile over the years.

Despite being responsible for the evolution all life on Earth (and presumably throughout the universe) the Blind Watchmaker lives in a humble one bath, two bedroom cottage. Inhabitants  of *Sandford know him as Alfred Wallace.  Neighbors had no idea they were living so close to a celebrity. “I had no idea I was living next to a celebrity,” Christopher Thompson said. “I’m not going to treat him any differently when we meet at the pub. He’s going to have to wait in line for the pisser like everyone else on a Saturday night.”

The Blind Watchmaker’s Identity Revealed

The identity of the Blind Watchmaker was discovered at a local school’s science fair. Young children presented the typical baking soda volcanos and potato batteries. Little Andy Canard’s exhibit described Charles Darwin’s description of the adaptive radiation of finch beaks. The Blind Watchmaker overheard an unnamed adult telling Andy, “Natural adaption can explain small changes in plants and animals, but it can’t explain how animals of one species suddenly turn into another.”

The Blind Watchmaker was not happy. The pedagogical diatribe from the surprisingly spry senior lasted thirty minutes. He discussed the evolution of the eye as well as how much he hates William Paley. “Because of him everyone thinks I lost my sight somewhere along the way. Not true! I do my best work BECAUSE I’M BLIND.”

Controversy

Protesters and counter protesters quickly descended on Sanford, England. Protesters included religious fundamentalists who believe the world is six thousand years old and evolution is the opium of the educated classes. They carried signs like Evolution is EVILoution and God made me a tailbone because His ways are mysterious! There are a surprising amount of protesters who aren’t religious. They are complaining about what they consider to be the shoddy work of the Blind Watchmaker. “My back aches all the time,” complained 78-year-old Marty Feinberg. “The spine stinks!”

Counter protesters included a handful of college students and professors from the local university. Their signs contained too many multisyllabic words to be of any use.

Sources close to the Blind Watchmaker state he’s planning to move very soon. Hopefully, it’ll be before American evangelicals show up.

 

*Sandford, because it’s the little hamlet in Edgar Wright’s film Hot Fuzz.

 

Laughed? How about buying this satirist a coffee? 

 


Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017  Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...