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Indianapolis, Indiana – A federal judge ruled earlier this week that those giving blood have control over who can and cannot use their donation based on deeply held religious beliefs. This will allow individuals giving the gift of life to discriminate against those who need blood based on sexual preference, religion, and race.

“Today is a great day for those who wish to live in their faith,” stated Reverend Andrew Canard of the First Avenue Baptist Church of Indianapolis. “It is only natural for a Christian to help out Christians.”

Hospitals are scrambling to create an infrastructure to organize donated blood according to faith-based specifications. Once a database is set up, a barcode will be placed on each and every donation so that Southern Baptist blood will never be placed into a Catholic or Muslim.

Under the new ruling, every single person will be asked if there is any group he or she does not want to help out based on religious preferences, even if the donor is a non-believer. “Thank God for atheists. They will give to anyone in need,” stated a local doctor.

While the new system is creating headaches for medical professionals, it is allowing social scientists to take a deep look into the hearts of Americans. While the individual donors are anonymous, their religion that they adhere to will be included in the information on their donation. “It’s still early but there are a lot of fundamentalists who don’t want to give their blood to anyone in a mixed-race romantic relationship,” stated Professor Anna Konlande from the University of Indiana. “I would never have predicted that.”

Donald J. Trump is celebrating the ruling and promising America that he is the “Law and order candidate for our precious bodily fluids.” Evangelical Christians have quickly abandoned the war on “transgendered bathrooms” and are rallying around this new critical issue facing the nation.

An email from Clinton campaign has been newly released by an anonymous hacker. It shows that the candidate firmly believes that one-third of the country is stupid to the point of intellectual disability.

In related news, one-third of the country needed CPR due to the fact that they forgot to breathe while eating at a Waffle House.

 


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...