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Vatican City – An international firestorm of controversy enveloped the Vatican ever since German police found nine-year-old altar boy Timmy Higgins stuffed into the front of Cardinal Rottenburger’s trousers.

The boy was discovered in the Cardinal’s pants when the Church official attempted to leave St Assisi’s Elementary School in Nuremberg. Eyewitnesses report that Rottenburger had just finished his yearly inspection of the all-boy school when they noticed third grader Timmy Higgins was missing.

“When a student is unaccounted for we shut the school down and immediately alert the police,” stated Headmaster Joseph Swan. “We didn’t expect the lad to end up there.”

Ironically, Cardinal Rottenburger had just left the building and entered his limousine when he supposedly remembered that he had left his Pope Francis I commemorative travel mug in the building. He was back in the headmaster’s office when the missing child alarm rang, and the school entered shutdown mode.

“It was clear that he was very uncomfortable at that moment,” stated Headmaster Swan. “He asked to leave, and when told it was against school policy, he insisted he get a religious exemption. I informed him I did not have the authority to grant such things. Little did I expect the boy was in his pants.”

Local police arrived and conducted a thorough search of the premises. Local law enforcement knew what to do in these circumstances. When it was clear the boy could not be found hiding in any broom closets, bathrooms, or in the basement, the parents were called. It was obvious little Timmy Higgins had not left school grounds and wandered home.

The police interviewed the 300 students and all the staff. Several individuals reported that the last person who had been with Timmy was Cardinal Rottenburger. The police asked the cleric if he knew anything about the boy, and the Cardinal stated, “I know a lot of boys. They all look the same after a while.”

The case of the missing student was blown wide open when 5th-grade student Martin Revello repeatedly kicked the Cardinal in the crotch. The police report noted that the Vatican official did not flinch but that a boy’s voice crying in pain emanated from the region of the man’s trousers.

That was suspicious.

Within minutes it was discovered that Timmy Higgins had been there all along. When asked why didn’t he cry out for help, Timmy stated that he had been shouting for the last 3 hours, but “none of the adults had given half a f*ck.”

School officials then suspended Martin Revello for three days because he had assaulted another student.

Vatican officials state Cardinal Rottenburger will be severely reprimanded with a variety of disciplinary measures that will include, but not limited to, finger-wagging and the use of rated PG-13 language.  The Vatican seeks to reassure the wary public that this “irregularity” will not happen again.

In related news, Ohio allows the crucifixion of death row inmates.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...