Gotham’s billionaire prince Bruce Wayne shocked the world today by publicly admitting that he is Batman. Over the years, he’s protected the good people of the city from street thugs to psychotic supervillains.
Bruce Wayne dropped another bombshell as well — he is hanging up the cape. No longer will Batman perch on high buildings and repress traumatic childhood memories. Thanks to extensive psychotherapy, he’s managing his personal demons.
Many everyday citizens are concerned. If Batman doesn’t hold the forces of evil in check, doesn’t that mean Gotham will sink into a pit of villainy?
To address these issues the one-time superhero sat down with OnlySky reporter Andrew Canard. In this candid interview, the billionaire is candid about his future plans. He’s ready to open a new war against the true enemies — American billionaire oligarchs.
Andrew Canard: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule, Mr. Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: I’m happy to be here.
AC: Mr. Wayne, what lead you to give up being Batman?
BW: I don’t know if you saw the latest documentary The Batman. A film crew chronicled my fight against The Riddler and the Falcone crime family.
AC: I saw it recently. The conversation between you and The Riddler was epic.
BW: Thank you. Moments like that made me think, Maybe I was going about this the wrong way?
AC: Going about what the wrong way?
BW: Good question. If you don’t ask the right query, then you won’t get the correct answer. In a flash of insight, I realized I conflated my personal pain over losing my parents with what I thought was the right course of action to make Gotham a better place.
AC: You assumed that by fighting criminals, you would be making Gotham a better place?
BW: Exactly. And there’s no doubt I did some good. The Riddler is in jail. The obvious problem is that I was playing whack-a-mole. I put one criminal in prison and another takes their place. That’s when it hit me, perhaps I was afraid to make a sustainable difference in Gotham because I was afraid to change personally.
AC: Wait a minute. You’re saying you perpetuated the cycle of dysfunction in the city because it was a psychological coping mechanism? As long as you had hoodlums to punch you wouldn’t have to do the deep work? That is criminal.
BW: Wow, it sounds brutal when someone else says it.
AC: What does a person do with that sort of insight?
BW: Therapy. A lot of therapy. Talking in therapy. Playing with therapy dolls named Mommy Wayne and Daddy Wayne. I spent months doing the deep work.
AC: Are you cured?
BW: My therapists and I don’t use that word. I can say I’m in a healthier place. It’s a place where I can do real good.
AC: And that’s by declaring war against American oligarchs?
BW: It’s by going to the root of the problem that creates crime in the first place. In a society where there is such a chasm between rich and poor is it any surprise that the rich do whatever they want?
AC: It’s like what Thucydides wrote, The strong do what they will and the weak suffer what they must.
BW: The super-rich warps the law. They warp our institutions, and they warp our very humanity. In that sort of society, it’s no surprise criminality and barbarism are the rule and not the exception. The system incentivizes us to become monsters.
AC: What’s the plan?
BW: Tax the oligarchs back to the Eisenhower administration when the top tax bracket was 91%.
AC: How do you plan to do that?
BW: I’m putting on a costume and punching out lobbyists.
AC: Really?
BW: No, that was my attempt at a joke.
AC: Oh.
BW: I plan to use my fortune to help the unfortunate confront the powerful. We, and I mean all the people who want to make not just Gotham but the whole country a better place, are organizing. We’re going to vote. We are going to do general strikes. We will peacefully protest. Together we are going to do what must be done.
AC: Is that the joke?
BW: You’ll have to ask Joker.
In related news, the CDC is taking away all previous vaccinations from those who refuse the Covid-19 jab.