North Pole – After centuries of controversy and conjecture, Santa Claus is putting all the rumors to rest and telling the world, “Yes, I am Satan.”
Santa Satan, Baby?
Santa came out of the closet at a press conference and announced to reporters that he is, in fact, Satan. The bringer of presents on Christmas Eve has all along been the character the Old Testament calls the bringer of light. “What’s amazing is how all of you were willfully ignorant about my dual identity,” the Devil/St. Nik quipped. “It’s not like I’ve been trying too hard to hide it from you people.”
Santa-Satan saw the North Pole press corps were still under the fog of ignorance.
”OK, I’m going to spell it out to you. Because that’s what I do. I give gifts of knowledge.”
The Santanic – Satanic Connection
This is not Santa-Devil’s first rodeo with ignorance born out of Christian misunderstanding. He knew true believers would have difficulty realizing the Devil is mankind’s best friend (*as against to that friend who tells your new girlfriend what a schmuk you are). So, the devilish elf brought out the PowerPoint presentation he worked on all last night.
For the next 20 minutes the Lord of Eternal Holiday Cheer taught reporters what was hiding in plain sight:
- Satan and Santa bring gifts – While God created humans, He did not give life as a gift. “A gift is something you do for the other person. God made people to worship Him and take care of a garden that didn’t need gardeners,” Santa-Satan pointed out. “As the Devil, I gave the Gift of Knowledge. That was for you people, not me. And I gave it in a most pleasing and nutritious form — nature’s candy, the apple.”
- Satan and Santa head a hard working team – Santa has a cadre of pointy eared elves (demons) cobbling together the best toys for little girls and boys. Satan has a team of pointy eared demons who are out there inspiring artists and scientists to make the world a better place. “Angels are telling you heaven is what you should be focusing on and not the Earth,” Santanus pointed out. “My teams are telling you to enjoy this life with toys, education, and the arts.”
- Hell is hot. The North Pole is cold – When you really think about it, if your main residence is someplace that’s always cold (the North Pole) wouldn’t your vacation home be in the warmest place possible (Hell)? And, yes, the North Pole is where Devil-Santa hangs out most often. “Power Wheels Wild Things are complicated. I need to be on the production floor to make sure everything goes right,” the Prince of Eternal Ho Ho Ho stated.
But Why Come Out Just Before Christmas?
Coming out is a personal choice. Only that person knows when the time is right for them. “To be totally honest, I couldn’t stay silent. Donald Trump is a jerk. I needed to drop the facade that I am an old white guy. Christ, I don’t want people to think I support him in any way. I’m the Devil. I’m here. I’m proud. And I’m not going away. Get used to it,” he said.
Many liberal religious groups are welcoming Santa-Satan with open arms. However, evangelicals are creating their own version of the Jolly olde Elf. And that one is bringing little boys and girls bricks to help build that wall on the US-Mexico border this Christmas.
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017
*I’m sorry. That’s a little bit of my personal life bleeding into this story.