A new study confirms propeller hats are giving millions windmill cancer every year. The research from Miskatonic University reveals even small windmills can cause the deadly disease.
Once scoffed at by “experts” and “people with medical degrees,” windmill cancer research is now at the leading edge of oncology.
Professor Andrew Canard is the man behind the peer-reviewed paper, President Trump Was Right About Windmill Cancer. Canard followed 26,898 hat wearers over the span of five years. Numbers don’t lie: Those wearing propeller hats were 119% more likely to die from windmill cancer. “Regular baseball caps, sailor caps, winter hats are healthy and pose no danger,” he said. “But put a tiny windmill on a hat, and you are toast.”
Despite the warnings, many people are refusing to give up their adult propeller hats. Many cite the awesomeness of wearing a hat with a propeller on a windy day, and others see wearing the brightly-colored cap as a way to manifest their personality disorders or own the libs.
Surprisingly, some members of the propeller headwear community are looking at the new findings with a sigh of relief. For too long, the wearers of propeller beanies and propeller caps have been at each others’ throats. “We are now united against the haters,” one anonymous beanier said.
In related news, Ted Cruz chokes on his own slime.