Condoms for Catholic priests are the wave of the future. The one true church is finally taking its child sex abuse scandal seriously. The Vatican’s research and development wing announced today a high-tech condom that protects children from pedophile priests.
The condom should be worn whenever celibate priests choose to engage in any sort of sex. Special sensors in the prophylactic detect how old the sexual partner of the priest is. Researchers maintain that condoms will work regardless of what sex the potential victim is.
If the recipient of the priest’s condomed phallus is under the age of 18, special software is invoked to shock the penis into celibate Catholic submission.
Andrew Canard is the engineer who designed the device and is proud of the bells and whistles he added to what he calls the Christly Condom.
Pope Francis heralds the new technology as a way of protecting minors against the evils of the world. Sources close to the pontiff whisper that the pope decided not to include an app that would automatically alert local authorities.
Right-wing pro-Catholic traditionalists are screaming that the Christly Condom is another example of anti-Catholic bigotry that plagues America. While the Catholic Church isn’t mandating pedophile priests to wear the condoms, just the thought of having their religious freedoms curtailed is too much for many ardent Catholics.
Media experts agree as long as the Church seems to be doing something about the crisis, then it’s free to continue its war against gay marriage and women’s healthcare.
In related news, megachurch ministers embezzle millions of thoughts and prayers.