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Condoms for Catholic priests are the wave of the future. The one true church is finally taking its child sex abuse scandal seriously. The Vatican’s research and development wing announced today a high-tech condom that protects children from pedophile priests.

The condom should be worn whenever celibate priests choose to engage in any sort of sex. Special sensors in the prophylactic detect how old the sexual partner of the priest is. Researchers maintain that condoms will work regardless of what sex the potential victim is.

If the recipient of the priest’s condomed phallus is under the age of 18, special software is invoked to shock the penis into celibate Catholic submission.

Andrew Canard is the engineer who designed the device and is proud of the bells and whistles he added to what he calls the Christly Condom.

It literally has bells and whistles. If the priest is about to engage in sexual intercourse with someone under the age of eighteen, not only does their wee-wee get buzzed but bells and whistles go off. It’s not low volume either. We’re talking 100 decibels

Andrew Canard

Pope Francis heralds the new technology as a way of protecting minors against the evils of the world. Sources close to the pontiff whisper that the pope decided not to include an app that would automatically alert local authorities.

Right-wing pro-Catholic traditionalists are screaming that the Christly Condom is another example of anti-Catholic bigotry that plagues America. While the Catholic Church isn’t mandating pedophile priests to wear the condoms, just the thought of having their religious freedoms curtailed is too much for many ardent Catholics.

Media experts agree as long as the Church seems to be doing something about the crisis, then it’s free to continue its war against gay marriage and women’s healthcare.

In related news, megachurch ministers embezzle millions of thoughts and prayers.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...