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Montpelier, Vermont – This may be the smallest state capital in the United States of America (pop 7,535), but it’s making big waves. The Catholic Church is offering parishioners at Holy Ghost Church a new twist on communion. Worshippers may imbibe the body and blood of Christ via rich, cheesy fondue.

Considered to be a novel way of bringing back lost sheep back into the fold, Fondue Jesus isn’t a cheap gimmick. Father Andrew Canard of Holy Ghost Church assures the nervous the sanctity of the ritual is intact. “If anything we’re streamlining the process. Many do not know fondue is traditionally made with cheese and wine. When Mrs. Wilder of Sportsmen Street dips her communion wafer into the cheese, she is, in fact, dunking Christ’s flesh into his blood, albeit with a lot of Gruyère,” he said.

People are flocking back to the Church in droves. Curious non-Catholics travel for miles to see the devout perform the cheesy sacrament. Martin Hall is from Barre, Vermont and is agnostic. “If they had fondue back in Ancient Israel the Jesus Catholics have on the cross wouldn’t be so skinny.”

When the idea of adding fondue to Church services, many thought the idea of having a pot of really hot cheese was a recipe for disaster. After all, wasn’t it a matter of time before someone knocked the thing over, and then you’d have Jesus’ blood and cheese all over the floor? Thankfully, a mechanic from a nearby hamlet developed a system where the pot and its stand are screwed to floor preventing any such disasters.

The real scandal, however, is the large number of non-Catholics getting in line to try a bit of communion wafer dipped in the divine mix. Father Canard noticed on several occasions there were people who had no idea about Catholicism or the sacrament of communion in line for fondue. He reported one fellow asked him “If this was the faith where Jesus is God or just a good guy who got a raw deal?”

All in all Fondue Jesus is distracting people from the Catholic Church’s coverup of sexual abuse committed by priests. And that means they’ve achieved their goals.

*Thanks to my friend Brad for coming up with the idea for this Poe!


Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017  Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...