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The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced a new religious warning for children up to the age of 13. Up until now, the organization recommended that the parents should show “good judgment” in how much and what type of faith a child is exposed to. Physicians now realize that was a horrible mistake.

“Parents, by and large, have little to no ‘good judgment’ when it comes to brainwashing a child in what could only be considered gobbledygook,” explained Dr. Andrew Canard of the CDC. “Just listen to the claptrap parents say, ‘How am I going to raise little Mikey in a moral environment without the Catholic Church,'” Dr. Canard mocked. “Being a good example is the best way to raise a good kid, but I guess it’s easier to let a bunch of pedophiles do the job.”

The CDC guidelines state that children under 13 should have little to no religious indoctrination. When kids do have to attend religious ceremonies like marriages or funerals, parents should take the time to talk to their little gene machines and skeptically review what had happened.

Parents in those situations should ask open-ended questions like:

  1. The minister said Jesus’ name more often than grandma’s. That’s pretty messed up, right?
  2. Do you know that Catholic teaching says the wafer becomes the actual body of Christ? That sounds like cannibalism to me. What do you think?
  3.  I think Tom and Dave’s wedding was nice. It’s weird that they had a liberal Reverend officiate the event. Let’s say you and I look at some Bible verses that are explicitly anti-gay?

Proactive strategies

The new CDC warning does suggest ways of raising mentally and emotionally healthy children.

“The takeaway for parents is not to be mean and treat people like they mattered,” stated Dr. Canard.

Before the new guidelines were published, a group of parents was randomly selected and interviewed to see their reactions. 88% of the respondents weren’t very happy about talking to their kids, 93% were perplexed what the guidelines meant by ‘treating people like they mattered.’

Dr. Canard found an easy way to educate the vast majority of parents who were confused. “We found that having them watch a few episodes of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood did the trick.”


*This Poe was inspired by the BBC News story US changes toddler screen time advice.


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Me!!Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...