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Late-stage capitalism is the term that sums up where we are as a society. Faceless corporations no longer invest in the communities they inhabit. In search of profits, businesses bribe the government to privatize services and eradicate legal protections for consumers. This toxic environment creates a world where the top 1% of Americans had 30% of the wealth in 1989 and 39% of the wealth in 2016. Middle-class workers’ paychecks have not kept up with healthcare costs or college tuition.

Late-stage capitalism inflicts harm. But what if there were a way to harmonize your inner world with the dystopian present?

Chakras are seven invisible vortexes of energy starting at the base of your spine and ending at the top of your head. Each one is a transformer of your life energy. When these psychic centers are working well, you feel centered, powerful, and positive. When chakras don’t provide enough or too much power, then your physical and mental health suffers.

Utilizing the wisdom found in ancient texts, it is now possible to arrange your inner energy flow and find balance. By gaming, binge watching Netflix, and giving up, you too will discover the harmony your grandparents had. While they lived comfortably in the suburbs owning a house and two cars with one income, you will be at peace never owning a home while side-gigging for Uber, Lyft, Postmates, Uber Eats, and that service that lets you walk dogs in the rain.

Here are the new and improved chakras.

No Inheritance Chakra

Originally named the Muladhara (root chakra), the modern-day No Inheritance Chakra is now a beautiful channel that will allow you to cope with the end of the handing down of generational wealth by the middle class. With long-term care sucking the retirement accounts of millions, the seniors of today have nothing to give to their children and grandchildren.

You Will Never Be Able To Afford Children Chakra

The ancients called the pelvic chakra Svadhisthana. Its function centered on reproduction. In a sense, it still does. When it’s working correctly, a task rabbiter won’t notice they’re too tired to be sexually aroused.

It’s Some Foreigner’s Fault Chakra

The Manipura (navel chakra) originally helped a person to have self-esteem and confidence. But that’s in the past. With so many people feeling like their lives are out of control, it feels good to blame someone you’ve never met. Get your xenophobia in overdrive to get this energy channel working.

COVID-19 Chakra

Once called Anahata (heart chakra), the newly rebranded COVID-19 Chakra is in you whether you like it or not. Why? Because late-stage capitalism makes everything worse – even the plague.

Whether you’re an essential worker making the minimum wage or just another worker bee who was furloughed, there is a way to feel better! Just watch the classic 1987 Michael J. Fox movie The Secret To My Success over and over and over again.

I’m Glad I’ll Be Dead By Then Chakra

The ancients believed the throat chakra (Vishuddha) gave voice to the truth. In today’s world most of us can grasp the dark truth of the I’m Glad I’ll Be Dead By Then Chakra. Think it’s bad now? Take comfort that it will get much worse after you’re gone.

The Opioid Epidemic Chakra

Once called the third eye chakra (Aina) our economic policies turned it into one big party of opioid addiction. Who needs a third eye when you can dull the dumpster fire oligarchs created?

Because That’s Socialism Chakra

When crown chakra (Samsara) blossomed, the individual could access higher planes of being. And what is the higher plane of being for late-stage capitalism? It’s the denial of socialism. While ancient gurus reached up to the spiritual stars, the world of today sets your standards much lower by saying, “Hey buddy, the United States of America can never be Norway —  because that’s socialism.”

Congratulations! You now have the coping tools to survive being a peasant in the early 21st century.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...

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