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Hollywood, CA – Hollywood superstar Chris Evans filed for a restraining order yesterday against former FLOTUS, Melania Trump. It’s unfortunate that many celebrities must call on the courts to protect themselves from crazed fans. However, her pattern of behavior is getting to be so aggressive the law had to step in.

Melania’s Fixation On Chris Evans

It’s an open secret Melania wants Chris Evans and she wants him badly. 

Friends of the First Lady say Melania is not shy to talk about her fixation on the hunky actor. Whenever his name is brought up she will gaze off into the distance and recite classic Captain American lines like “I can do this all day.”

“Sometimes she moans when she says that and it’s super awkward,” one anonymous aide confided.

Although the two haven’t met, she is making plans to swoop in and trap him in her web of poorly spoken English and sexy Slovenian ways. She doesn’t mind getting remarried in the summer and is even willing to wait until the fall.

These same sources say her obsession is even stronger now that Chris is no longer playing Captain America. “That’s just more time for Melania!” she repeatedly tells friends.

It’s gotten so bad she has his voice for her ringtone.

Chris Evans Files Legal Paperwork

Melania’s cyber as well as real-life stalking finally drove Mr. Evans to ask his lawyers to intervene. Mr. Andrew Canard heads the law firm Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe and is handling the messy situation.

“It wasn’t the persistent letters, emails, and texts she sent him,” Mr. Canard said. “Rather, it was her breaking into his house and demanding he pay attention to her. She wanted to get paid, too. In cash. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

The legal documents demand she does not contact him at all and stay at least 1,000 miles away from him at all times.

In related news, Ivanka is caught cheating on her husband, Jared Kushner.


Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...