Candy hearts seem to be the right way to communicate to your Valentine’s Day sweetheart, “I thought of doing the bare minimum for you and then thought of candy hearts which somehow are even lower than the bare minimum. Enjoy this gift of trite heart-shaped sweets.”
We should all remember that as soon as you think you’ve hit the bottom of bad you will find a subbasement. And in this case, the subbasement of Valentine’s Day candy hearts is Scripture Candy. These heart-shaped delectables have pro-Christian messages on them like “God Loves U” and “Praise God.” One Amazon reviewer gushed, “A must have for Bible related candy treat, and decoration for cookies or cupcakes. Teach a lesson from the words in the hearts—all about Jesus!”
If you’re wondering if these candies have wholesome ingredients the answer is a resounding, well, you can decide. Here they are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Dextrose, Glycerin, Gelatin, Citric Acid, Tragacanth Gum, Artificial And Natural Flavors, Blue 2, Red 40 Lake, Red 3, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 6 Lake, Blue 1 Lake, Blue 2 Lake.
I don’t know anything about Red 40 Lake, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t drink its water.
I wondered, What would real Bible-based candy hearts have written on them?
I came up with a few suggestions.
- YOU ARE BROKEN
- DO NOT EVEN THINK OF SEX. WHAT? YOU JUST DID. YOU ARE A DIRTY, DIRTY SINNER
- SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IS THE DEVIL’S TROJAN SPONGE-HORSE
- A WOMAN MUST BE QUIET
- JESUS IS THE ONLY VALENTINE YOU NEED
- SAM SMITH IS SATAN’S SWEETHEART
- THERE SHE LUSTED AFTER HER LOVERS, WHOSE GENITALS WERE LIKE THOSE OF DONKEYS AND WHOSE EMISSION WAS LIKE THAT OF HORSES. – EZEKIEL 23:20
- WOULD YOU BE THE BETA TO MY ALPHA? NEVERMIND, I ALREADY DECIDED YOU ARE
- SASSY VAGINAS WILL NOT ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Do you have any suggestions?
In case you are interested in more hijinks, check out Yes, I am digging a pit to find the love of my life #LastOfUs
Featured image courtesy of Unsplash.com.