Kansas City, MS – Local police arrested Jeffery King III for hitting a fellow parishioner of Warren Avenue Baptist Church. The fifty-four-year-old father of three admits he did it but believes he should not be prosecuted because he was simply exercising his religious liberty. The incident occurred after the service, in the church basement, and during the coffee and snacks afterparty. An argument over the last Boston cream donut caused the assault.
The victim of the right cross to the jaw was forty-two-year-old Jonah Whitman. The two men know each other quite well and rumor has it they dislike each other in a very Christian way. It’s reported Mr. Whitman loves to treat his body like a temple and shows his devotion to Jesus by running marathons and intermittent fasting. Mr. King lives large and leads Wednesday night Bible study while eating spicy chicken wings.
The police state Mr. Whitman was triggered by King’s handling of the good book during the last Bible study. Mr. Whitman told several friends, “The Devil is using those greasy fingers to vandalize God’s word.”
Mr. Whitman felt he needed to put King in his place, and that’s why he grabbed the last donut on Sunday and tossed it in the trash right in front of his enemy. And that’s when he took a hard right cross in the jaw, knocking him on his back.
“Mathew chapter 5 verse 39 says to turn the other cheek,” King told his adversary, “and it may be a sin to hit you, but I’ll pray for forgiveness. I’ll be forgiven and you’ll still have a sore jaw.”
Legal experts are dubious about whether or not King’s religious liberty defense will keep him out of prison. It all depends on who he gets for a judge. If the magistrate loves Jesus and Boston cream donuts, then King may walk.
In related news, these are the books banned in Heaven.