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Littlerock, Arkansas – Angry and concerned conservative citizens staged what became a violent protest against the abortion satellite network. The pro-life community is rising up against this new space threat to traditional values.

How the rally started

The day started like any other here in The Natural State’s capital. However, people started converging at the State House at 9 AM. State House guards and staff were surprised. Sources say area faith-based groups planned the event without telling local officials because there was fear the government would turn the orbiting death beams on the protesters’ reproductive organs.

By 9:30 AM the first Our Lives, Our Skies! banner was unfurled, and a little while later what had started out as a small group was evolving into an angry and at times confused mob. Eyewitnesses state far-right militia members were present and did their best to make a tense situation explosive.

“There were Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and a bunch of guys who seemed to be a bit off because they said they were from a splinter group of the Three Percenters called the Three and a Quarter Percent Percenters,” said local dog walker Andrew Canard who happened to be in the area and witnessed the chaos. “They jazzed up the people quite a bit.”

The organizer of the event, Pastor Michael Marshall of First Avenue Baptist Church, stood on the stairs and used a portable microphone to address the crowd. “Planned Parenthood and NASA is filling our skies with baby-killing microwave projecting satellites. We need to stop orbital abortions!” Pastor Marshall said. “The liberals want to out-maneuver our state laws prohibiting a woman from exercising bodily autonomy. They think they have the high ground, but we’ll show them God has the highest ground!”

What is the abortion satellite network?

The first mention of abortion satellites first appeared on former President Donald J. Trump’s social media platform Truth Social. It then spread to Twitter when CEO Elon Musk mentioned that NASA was putting America’s future at risk by supporting Planned Parenthood. Soon, other sites like Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok were abuzz with the space-based threat to unborn children.


If the satellite wants your baby dead, then you are powerless to stop it.

Andrew “Alpha Male” Tate Influencer

What people believe the threat actually is changes constantly. The specifics are hard to pin down. Popular theories posit that either one mini-baby-Death Star or up to 666 of them are currently in low-Earth orbit. No one is sure if they are currently performing abortions or if they have yet to be turned on. And the death dealers could execute the unborn via lasers, microwaves, or PBS. What is agreed on is that the abortion satellite network is just another way for the Satanist Illuminati to make white people go extinct.

Police join the rioters and more chaos ensues.

How the rally became violent

By 10:30 AM the crowd became a full-blown violent mob. Due to the fact organizers did not alert anyone in the state government to their intention the meet, the mostly middle-aged and suburban group had nowhere to go to the bathroom. When the local McDonald’s demanded that their bathroom was for paying customers only, one of the protesters yelled, “Socialism!” That was the match that lit the fire. Before long there were Proud Boys behind the counter and giving the mob free French fries and burgers.

Local police were alerted and quickly appeared in force to quell the mob and regain order. However, when the tactical team leader found out about the orbital space abortion satellites and how white people were being targeted, he quickly had the officers present join the fight to protect baby Christians.

Police Chief James Longstreet said he does not endorse the actions taken by his officers, but made sure the general public knew there wasn’t anything they could do about it. “Police are the servants of the people and that means we need to be unanswerable to the people we serve. That’s why law enforcement has qualified immunity. If you don’t like it, then you’re probably one of those baby-killing orbiting death machines. Shame on you.”

Eventually, the violence died down after a few hours due to physical exhaustion. Many individuals were just plain tuckered out and went home knowing they had fought the good fight.

NASA responds to the abortion satellite

NASA Administrator Senator Andrew Canard did what only could be said to be the act of a true statesman. The former senator said NASA will convene a blue ribbon committee to find out the truth behind Planned Parenthood’s relationship with the space agency. He also promised to purge his organization of anyone who is associated with the anti-pro-life conspiracy.

“Space is the final frontier. We are going to the Moon. We will go to Mars. What we won’t do is use advanced technology to empower women,” he said.

In related news, Republican George Santos makes false claims about his work and family history as well as his pants.


Please support journalism via Patreon. If you want to learn about biblical astronomy, then check out The Star of Bethlehem: A Skeptical View.

*Images courtesy of Unsplash.com

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...