Bradenton, Florida – The Darwin Brewing Company on 803 17th Avenue West Street was attacked by an angry mob of Young Earth Creationists last night. The angry group descended on the neighborhood institution well known for its craft beers like Llama Mama Milk Stout and Circa 1926 due to it sharing a name with the man who co-discovered evolution, Charles Darwin.
Young Earth Creationists Incensed
The angry group of Christian fundamentalists wasn’t violent at first. It all began at Bible study at Warren Avenue Baptist Church. Reverend Andrew Canard led the pious parishioners in a lesson describing how the Theory of Evolution is just a theory. Not only is it just a theory, but it caused men to lose faith in God and that’s how we got Hitler and Stalin. Millions of people died in the Holocaust and Soviet gulags because people believed current life on Earth developed and diversified from earlier life.
“I was never a monkey and then changed into a man,” Reverend Canard said. “And neither did you.”
When the link between school shootings and godless natural selection came up, everyone present became agitated. And then someone brought up Darwin Day.
Darwin Day – A Day Of Satan
The American Humanist Association describes the day many take note of Charles Darwin’s contribution:
International Darwin Day inspires people throughout the globe to reflect and act on the principles of intellectual bravery, perpetual curiosity, scientific thinking, and hunger for truth as embodied in Charles Darwin. It is a day of celebration, activism, and international cooperation for the advancement of science, education, and human well-being.
Darwin Day falls on February 12th, the famed biologist’s birthday.
Once the Bible study class learned about it, they knew they needed to act. And that action would be anointed by God.
“Jesus upturned the money-changing tables in the Temple. We decided to upturn the tables at Darwin Beer Company,” Reverend Canard said.
The Attack On Beer And Science
The Young Earth Creationist mob walked a few blocks down to the pub where they did upturn a few tables. A few of the believers in a 6,000-year-old Earth also desecrated the bathrooms. Inside sources state several of the members ate chili before the assault.
Besides causing a ruckus and embarrassing themselves, no harm came to the staff or property. Police arrived quickly and apprehended those Christian fundamentalists who broke the law.
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