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The larger display enhances the entire experience, making Apple Watch easier to use and read. Series 7 represents our biggest and brightest thinking.

Apple.com

Dear Apple,

I am writing to you today as a courtesy. Soon, my lawyers will be contacting your legal department. They will rain down litigation, TPS forms in triplicate, and multisyllabic Latin phrases. In short, you will know the wrath of a man who received an Apple Watch Series 7 on his birthday and has been living in absolute hell ever since. Simply put, your watch is bullying me.

Before receiving the watch my life was full of happy hours binge-watching The Boys, Stranger Things, The West Wing (sometimes I like to pretend to be living back in the time when Martin Sheen was President), and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. While watching my shows I was able to eke out a modicum of slothful happiness. And now this daemon wrapped around my wrist is reminding me to stand, breathe, and call my girlfriend. The peace I once knew is gone.

You may say that I could change my watch settings to indolent. To that, I am directing my legal team to increase the amount in damages you are going to pay me by a factor of 10.

– Andrew Hall


Dear Apple,

I am updating you on the ongoing lawsuit regarding the Apple Watch Series 7. You will no longer be receiving communications from the lawyers of Dewey, Cheetem, and Howe. They refused to follow my simple directions and had the tenacity to tell me I have no case against you. Being free from their wretched constraints, I am acting as my own lawyer and, boy, are you in trouble!

You will notice in the attached document I am raising the amount you owe me in damages to reflect the second Apple Watch I was forced to purchase. The battery life has serious limitations and does not live up to the many promises your company makes about the item.

You state on your site, “Your blood oxygen level is a key indicator of your overall wellness. It can help you understand how well your body is absorbing oxygen and the amount of oxygen delivered to your body. The remarkable sensor and app in Apple Watch Series 7 allow you to take on‑demand readings of your blood oxygen as well as background readings, day and night.” Well, how can I monitor my oxygen level 24 hours a day, 7 days a week when the battery power is a mere 18 hours while using cellular data?

Have you no soul?

– Andrew Hall


Dear Apple,

You will be glad to know that my previous lawsuit against your august organization is no longer active. After some reflection, I realized my life now is humming along thanks to wearing Apple Watches. (Am I wearing a watch on each wrist even as I write this email? The answer is definitely double plus yes!) For example, what was once a dreary walk to Target to load up on Cheetos for the week now counts to closing my move ring and toward my daily exercise goal.

What will really get you excited is that my litigious nature is being focused on those who wish to defame the good news of the Apple Watch Series 7. I am religiously tracking down those few people who have the gall to give it bad reviews on Amazon and drowning them in frivolous emails.

How can anyone say the watch isn’t worth buying? It’s so self-evident!

P.S. Can you make a watch cat sized? Ms. Biscuit would love one.

– Andrew Hall

Ms. Biscuit is paralyzed without an Apple Watch.

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...