Washington DC – President Trump is taking a bold stance and championing straws. In a Presidential order, the executive branch of the federal government is throwing its weight behind single-use plastic straws. “Black Lives Matter wants to get rid of straws. Straws are as American as apple pie and paying off porn stars. America First!” Trump tweeted.
Black Lives Matter Responds
No one involved with Black Lives Matter responded to the President’s desperate ploy to get attention. One anonymous member stated, “We’re not playing his game. See you in the voting booth, Orange.”
Trump supporters took to Twitter and soon #AllStrawsMatter was trending. Of course, team Trump took time to write that reusable straws aren’t American and don’t matter. They went on to say police have every right to stop reusable straws while said straws are operating a motor vehicle and shoot them in the back repeatedly. “This is America and single use straws are godly. Reusable straws aren’t as smart as we are, kill their own kind, and have bigger penises. That’s not right,” one Trump twitterati tweeted.
Nike Steps In
The sneaker company Nike is already in hot water with conservatives due to its supporting Colin Kaepernick. Nike is doubling down on its controversial marketing strategy by promoting reusable straws. Every new pair of Nike sneaker will come with a free Colin Kaepernick Reusable Straw.
The Future Unsure
No one is sure when this escalating stupidity is going to end. Some hope the midterm elections will make things right. Others believe the United States of America is just about to enter the crazy deli and order a tongue sandwich on dark rye. Only time will tell.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.