The new tell-all book In The Bedroom reveals that President Donald J. Trump taught his daughter Ivanka the ins and outs of kissing. From an early age, Trump the Father schooled her in the sordid ways of full-on lip-on-lip and tongue in-mouth acrobatics.
Longtime domestic servant Michael Bolton penned the book. Records state he worked for the Trump clan for decades before retiring recently. Many close to the first family find it surprising a loyal retainer would suddenly turn on the little hand the fed him for years.
“Sure, I worked for Donald Trump for a long time,” Bolton said. “However, he never liked my mustache. He gave my mustache nicknames like ‘Mousy’ and ‘Stupid Face.’ There’s only so much a man and his lip hair can take.”
Mr. Bolton writes President Trump started “classes” in the art of kissing with Ivanka when she hit middle school.
OK, this is where I write blah, blah, blah, and make some jokes about how disgusting Donald Trump is and a few comments on how “Michael Bolton” was too busy planning regime change in Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Venezuela, and that mom and pop pharmacy down the street that he doesn’t like to call the Department of Child Services.
But, look, even I have limits. Making fun of Trump clan day after day is tiring. I’ve been doing it since the primaries. Maybe I’m a bit burned out. I just a two-hour session talking about John Bolton’s new book with comedian Ian Harris and a bunch of people last night.
Want my review of Bolton’s book? Here’s the takeaway.
It’s as if a dull-witted version of Christopher Hitchens wrote a book. On the plus side, if you have too much blood in your body, then the bleeding from your eyes will be a godsend.
Writing a full-blown Poe teaching Ivanka how to kiss is just too much.
Check-in tomorrow and maybe I’ll write something funny that won’t cause as much bile to leap into my mouth.
And thanks for tolerating your humble satirist’s mini-meltdown.