Mar-a-Lago, Florida – It may be getting close to the most magical time of the year, but someone in Mar-a-Lago is trying to be The Grinch Who Stole Democracy. And that someone is not colored green. He is out of the bottle orange-tanned, and it’s our very own former President Donald J. Trump.
Ever since Elon Musk allowed him to get back on the platform, Trump is back to tweeting whatever is on his mind. And what was on his mind? Could it be his close friend and Russian President Vladimir Putin? Or maybe the former commander-in-chief of the world’s largest military was worried about the escalating tensions between China and Taiwan? Of course, anyone who knows anything about Trump knows he doesn’t really care about what goes on in the Taiwan Straight.
Sources state the Trump was up at 2 am and rummaging around the refrigerator. His head was telling him there wasn’t a leftover McDonald’s apple pie hiding in the back. However, his heart told him Never give up, Donnie! Realizing there were no McDonald’s apple pies, he spent a few seconds accusing the refrigerator of working for Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Afterward, he sat down in his favorite chair to watch television.
Trump switched from channel to channel. Nothing seemed to satisfy. And then it happened. Trump’s attention was seized by nonother than PBS.
What was on PBS?
Reruns of the Great British Baking Show.
And the bakers were preparing apple pies.
President Trump understood everything. He wanted pies. They had pies. This was the worst thing to happen to a President since Abraham Lincoln got those crappy seats at Ford’s Theater.
Something else was wrong.
The bakers weren’t using “American” measurements. And that wouldn’t stand.
Standing up for the Republic and all that makes America great, he sat down and tweeted.
Democrats are the metric system party. They want to take your ounces and turn them into megacentimeters. Your inches aren’t safe. They are coming for your feet. You won’t be able to walk in kilograms! #MAGA
Anonymous sources report no one close to Trump is going to tell the boss about the intricacies of the metric system. They understand Trump knows his political base better than anyone else. If that tweet gets his political base jazzed up, so be it.
In related news, Ivanka Trump refuses to invite Donald over for Thanksgiving.