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Responding to the bedbug infestation at Twitter headquarters, Elon Musk reassured concerned employees and the city government that he has everything under control. City officials are skeptical and plan to launch a full investigation.

After Musk purchased the social media platform he fired half the employees and told the rest to get ready to “work long hours at high intensity.” He added beds to offices for staff to sleep in which drew the ire of San Fransisco’s department of building inspection.

“We need to make sure the building is being used as intended,” a department spokesperson, Patrick Hannan, told the Washington Post. “There are different building code requirements for residential buildings, including those being used for short-term stays. These codes make sure people are using spaces safely.”

The Guardian

Even before Musk added the beds, at least one employee took matters into her own hands and took the initiative.

The bedbugs were first spotted by software engineer Andrew Canard. Canard noticed what looked like to be bug bites all over his body. “I had these red itchy spots all over me,” he said. “I took a look at the bed in my office and there they were — bedbugs.”

Bedbugs are visible to the naked eye. A quick search of a bed and sheets is typically all it takes to discover a nest. Their bites are rarely dangerous, but some employees are finding it hard to concentrate while scratching.

Elon Musk is attacking the problem as he has done in the past. He’s fired half the staff and told the rest that working long hours at high intensity includes dealing with bedbug bites.

In related news, Twitter CEO Elon Musk tells some staff they will need to be sacrificed to the space god Yog-Sothoth.

UPDATE: This satirical story was in response to Musk bringing in beds so that his overworked staff at Twitter could sleep in the building, After all, who needs to go home and have any sort of work/life balance when working for a modern-day robber baron, right? And I just read how he fired janitorial staff at the headquarters and things are getting fairly stinky.

Musk suddenly canceled janitorial services early this month at the headquarters, NBC News reported. Janitors said they were locked out with no warning just weeks before the holidays after they had sought better wages, and the company terminated a cleaning contract.

Elon Musk Fires Twitter Janitors, Reportedly Forcing Staff To Bring Own Toilet Paper

Did you read the citation? Musk is making staff bring in their own toilet paper!

I’ve worked for human service nonprofits for a long, long time. We don’t get raises that often. Society doesn’t take the work we do seriously. Oftentimes people serving the elderly and those who have disabilities get the crap end of the stick.

At no time did I ever have to bring in my own toilet paper to work.

What’s next? Is Elon going to make his staff donate kidneys so that he can sell them on the black market?

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...