Washington DC – Local police arrested Eric Trump late last night for attempted cannibalism. The thirty-six-year-old son of President Trump is being held without bail.
The police report states a 911 call was received from Eric’s younger half-brother Barron at 9:23 PM. Barron stated Eric had binge-watched several seasons of The Walking Dead. Supposedly, Eric wasn’t sure if he was a survivor of the apocalypse who was really really hungry or a zombie. Either way, Barron noted, it didn’t look good.
Police supposedly laughed off the call as yet another prank by Barron. After all, hadn’t the youngest Trump run away from home last year, and when he returned he said he had the ancient blades designed to kill the antichrist/his dad?
However, this time it wasn’t a joke.
Twenty minutes after the initial call, another was received. This time it was from young intern Andy Canard.
“Hello, 911? I locked myself into a broom closet. Eric Trump is trying to eat me!” young Canard cried out.
The intern continued to say Eric had stayed up way past his bedtime and this is exactly the sort of thing that happens in such situations.
Police arrived shortly afterward. Anonymous sources report Eric was found with two slices of bread in one hand and a squeeze bottle of mustard in the other.
Once President Trump heard the news, he called the police. He told them, “Eric was just being sarcastic.”
The police weren’t buying it. Eric is waiting to see a judge and a court appointed psychiatrist.
In related news, a local teacher showers in schadenfreude every day.