Branson, Missouri – Evangelicals descended on the entertainment center of the Show Me State for a three-day conference on how to best destroy all life on Earth. The aim of those attending is to bring about the Rapture using any and every means necessary.
Jesus wants to come back. What’s stopping him? Our lack of faith, or this gosh darned habitable planet?
anonymous attendee
The Interstate Denominational Institute Of Theology (IDIOT) is hosting the event named Earth Must Be Destroyed. The CEO of IDIOT Andrew Canard understands that the name of the conference created controversy before the first day. “Orthodox evangelicals are happy to destroy all life on Earth via pollution and mismanagement of resources in order to bring about the Rapture,” he said. “IDIOT’s view is that we should shoot for the stars and destroy the planet to ensure the job is done correctly.”
Former Vice President Mike Pence is the keynote speaker. His address at the conference is seen by many as another step closer to announcing his run for President in 2024. An anonymous source in Pence’s camp promises the keynote address will focus on the Bible, his Mother/Wife, and his dislike for homogenized milk.
While the Earth Must Be Destroyed conference is shocking to many people, the writing has been on the wall for a while concerning evangelical attitudes toward environmentalism. A recent survey from the Pew Research Center explored the relationship between faith and concern for the environment. The results show that while evangelicals agree overwhelmingly agree with the statement that God gave humans a duty to protect and care for the Earth they are far less likely to say that climate change is a serious problem and that the planet is getting warmer due to human activity.
Moderate Republicans are quick to point out they do not support the IDIOT’s radical plan. Rather, they are more than happy to continue on the road toward environmental disaster.
In related news, a Florida man marries the Bible.