American Evangelicals woke up this morning to biblical plagues. These divine curses mirror the ones God hurled at the Ancient Egyptians for enslaving the Jewish people.
“I couldn’t get to work today because my car was full of frogs,” said one devout Christian. “Scientists may tell you frogs only mate in water. Don’t believe them.”
By all reports, the incidences started occurring at 6 am eastern time. People from Maine to Alaska to Hawaii are being affected. The only common denominator is that each individual cursed is a self-proclaimed Evangelical and a supporter of President Trump.
The manifestation of the plagues seem to have a pattern. The more one supports President Trump, the greater number of plagues they receive. The intensity of the curses increase, too.
For example, Andy Canard works at the local Chic-fil-A. He works the deep fat frier and someday hopes to make the jump to being shift supervisor. Andy’s parents were Baptists and successfully indoctrinated their child into one of the more toxic forms of Christianity. Andy states not a light is working in his studio apartment and yet his blender is working fine. Biblical scholars believe Andy is receiving a little league version of the Plague of Darkness.
However, Evangelical minister, political activist, and hardcore Trump fanboy Franklin Graham is getting almost every Old Testament plague in new and fascinating ways:
- That wasn’t ketchup in that Heinz bottle this morning. Franklin Graham found that God could put the blood of innocent migrant children in a squeeze bottle.
- Frogs are taking over the Billy Graham Evangelical Association. The amphibians are everywhere from the employee refrigerator to Franklin Graham’s secret bondage dungeon.
- Sources close to Graham report the supposed holy man just bought boxes of Lice-B-Gone hair treatment.
- Flies are infecting the Graham estate.
- Franklin Graham’s prize horses can not stop farting.
- A brief hailstorm and column of fire enveloped his vehicle.
- Locusts and darkness find him whenever he tries to go to the bathroom.
Observers note God has not inflicted the last plague, the Death of the First Born, on anyone as of yet. Many hope God now understands children are not responsible for the dick moves their parents make.
Despite all the evidence God is showing his displeasure on Evangelical Trump supporters, they are standing by the President. A vast majority of Evangelicals believe undocumented workers are at fault and seek even more restrictions on immigrants.
President Trump has not commented on the situation. Anonymous sources believe he’s enjoying watching Vice President Mike Pence pull out newts from his morning oatmeal.