It’s been waiting in the emergency room for 6 hours to see a doctor, and the United States of America is quite upset. Why can’t it get healthcare when it wants to? Why is it sick in the first place? This isn’t fair. To console itself the so-called leader of the free world takes another swig from a ridiculously large cup with BIG GULP written on it. Somewhere deep in its fatty heart, the USA knows drinking so much special interest money isn’t helping. But if being wrong feels so good, then it doesn’t want to be right.
Symptoms. Symptoms. Symptoms. Always symptoms. The country does nothing but thinks about its symptoms. Its tummy hurts all the time. Maybe the 24-hour news cycle could be easily digested if it wasn’t for a diet of bad parenting and a populace aware of the cost of a good education but not the value of one.
The USA remembers the good old days. Right after World War 2, the country was in its prime. OK, it wasn’t super-healthy back then either. However, the rest of the industrialized world had been bombed into rubble, and that little fact made the North American giant look really good.
And now look at it. Waiting for a doctor with the likes of other banana republics like Russia. The USA feels a little better about itself looking at Russia. That guy doesn’t look good at all. There was a point in the 90s when the country had a glimmer of hope of becoming, well, not so Russian. That’s ancient history.
History doesn’t repeat itself, but it sure does like to sing a discordant melody, the USA muses to itself. It’s truer now than it was during the Cold War, Russia is a third world country with a first world military.
The irony is completely lost on the USA.
The country is aware what the doctor is going to tell it. Exercise regularly. Stop eating nonsense wrapped up in glittery packaging. And for Christ sakes, get that idiotic Make America Great Again cap off your head. Coal is a dying fuel source. Solar power isn’t going to drain the Sun. Vaginas aren’t equipped with castrating shark teeth. Mothers of dead soldiers shouldn’t be told Meh, tough luck. When elected officials have to spend half their time raising money for the next election, then that’s like putting your head in an oven hoping it’s going to give you a spiffy haircut.
What the USA wants is something for the pain. There simply isn’t enough time for it to get healthy right now because there are so many unhealthy things to do.
Afterall, there’s a border wall to build and a church-state wall to demolish.
*I’m going to see my doctor today. I’m not bringing my BIG GULP in with me.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017
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