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The Trump Bible is here!


Mrs. Withers is having a tough time. Weeks ago her school district voted to have in-person classes in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. Taxpayer money went to updating the ventilation system and supplying the school with all sorts of cleaners. It was all meant to create a safe and coronavirus free environment where kids can learn.

But no one saw first-grader Andy Canard coming. Even though Andy’s parents warned Mrs. Withers with phrases like, “Andy is precocious,” and “He loves to make people laugh,” the wee six-year-old took the classroom by storm.

Today, Andy discovered his friends love it when he fakes sneezes and then blows his nose into his face mask. What was best of all was how Mrs.Wither’s face went deathly white. Know what? He got a brand new mask and all sorts of attention from the teacher, too.

Andy is young, but he understands how comedy works. What he doesn’t want to do is be a hack and do the exact same trick over and over again. So, at lunch, he mashed up some mashed potato and corn and put it in his pocket. It felt icky, but sometimes you have to pay for your art.

Back in the classroom, Andy made his move. While Mrs. Wither’s back was turned he stuffed as much mashed potato and corn into his nostrils. He then raised his hand and walked to the front of the class to write the answer to a math problem on the blackboard.

Mrs. Withers was in for a surprise.

Andy didn’t sneeze this time. He blew his nose full blast into that mask. And then in a single motion, he took it off and showed the entire class that bizarre mix of snots, potato, and corn.

And those kids laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Someday he’s going back to school. Mom says it will probably be after everyone is vaccinated against COVID-19.

Andy Canard is a happy little boy.

He’s back at home and at the same time a legendary comedian.

 

*I got my flu shot yesterday with my girlfriend at the local Walgreens. While we were waiting I realized how gross it would be to sneeze in a face mask and realized some kid somewhere is entertaining/horrifying a small crowd with that act.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...