Tallahassee, Florida – The Florida state legislature passed legislation allowing churches to hold services during the coronavirus epidemic. An amendment to the document also carves out a Christian exemption for larceny.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines larceny as the unlawful taking of personal property with intent to deprive the rightful owner of it permanently.
Florida Governor Andrew Canard wanted to clear up any possible misunderstandings. “We’re treating larceny as good old fashioned theft,” he said. “We live in trying times, so the good people of Florida should know their government has their back.”
Evangelicals are ecstatic over the measure. Not only can they attend a crowded church service on Sundays, but they will also be able to pop into a neighbor’s house and rob them blind.
“Jesus said to be good to your neighbor,” one anonymous minister said. “That non-Christian neighbor is going to be very good to you.”
Churches are assisting their congregation by printing out maps showing where Jews, atheists, Muslims, Catholics, Zoroastrians, and other heathens live.
Fans of President Trump believe the statute doesn’t go far enough. They point out the need for the elderly to feather their nests with the material possessions of unbelievers. These distraught old people don’t have the strength or the stamina to carry heavy objects.
With re-election looming, Governor Canard is preparing a new bill with GOP lawmakers that will compel nonbelievers to bring their stuff to the homes of elderly evangelicals.
In related news, Iceland releases an ad advocating atheism.