Governor Ron DeSantis ordered all Florida firemen to set fire to any and all banned books found on school, public, and private library shelves. The Governor stated that banning books isn’t good enough and that pornographic and inappropriate reading materials must be burned for the public good.
How Florida Burns Books
A free anonymous tip line allowed concerned citizens to report where banned books could be hiding. Millions of people called in about friends, family, and neighbors who refused to give up books like The Handmaid’s Tale, And Tango Makes Three, and Fahrenheit 451.
“We couldn’t have found all these outlawed books without the public’s help,” said Florida firefighter Guy Montag. ” We found books in attics, under floorboards, and some were even disguised as the Bible. It makes me sick the lengths the woke mob will go to.”
Governor DeSantis is under severe criticism due to the new role firefighters are taking in the culture wars. OnlySky Media reported fires are raging out of control because fire personnel are busy burning books. House fires are spreading to engulf entire blocks. Fires are destroying industrial parks. Car fires are destroying entire Burger King drive-throughs.
Responding to the Crisis
In an emergency edict, Governor DeSantis is offering unlimited overtime to police. Once the officers are trained as firefighters, they too will be able to engage in book burnings. Some officers started before they are trained properly by simply shooting books by Black authors in the back.
Despite all the book burnings Republican primary voters are still not warming to the idea of President Ron DeSantis. Numerous polls still have him trailing former President Donald J Trump. Those in DeSantis’ camp are beginning to wonder if there are enough books in the world to burn in order to make their candidate competitive with Trump.
Florida librarians are doing their best with the books they are able to loan out. However, people aren’t interested in books like Ronald Reagan was Right!, 500 Pages Dedicated to Paint Drying on a Wall, and every single title in Bill O’Reilly’s Killing… series.
Professor Andrew Canard teaches at Miskatonic University. His books include The Primacy of Idiocy and Is it Hot in Here or Is My Book Burning? Professor Canard believes GOP primary voters are quite intelligent. “Ron DeSantis may be able to burn a few books, but Donald Trump is willing to burn the entire country down,” he said.
In related news, this atheist academic transformed into a televangelist and is making millions.
Please support journalism by buying this brave reporter a cup of coffee.
Featured image courtesy of AI-generated art from Nightcafe.