Tallahassee, Florida – In a fit of self-righteousness, Florida outlawed the year 1984. The state legislature passed the Saving Our Kids bill and Governor Ron DeSantis quickly signed it into law. However, no one proofread the legislation which is why the year 1984 is no longer recognized in Sunshine State.
Florida: 1984 is double plus bad
Florida State Senator Andrew Canard serves District 1. He’s a conservative Republican and has a history of promoting strong Christian values in the legislature. His professional accomplishments include crafting the law naming Hannukah Little Christmas, making Jesus the official state bird, and creating the League of Angelic Students. Sensing the evil inherent in non-Bible books, he asked the Holy Spirit which book he should ban. It turns out the Third Person of the Trinity does not like George Orwell’s book 1984.
But why not?
“George Orwell is a little too anti-authoritarian for students,” Canard said. “We don’t want students to think too much. First, they’d get thoughts in their heads about how bad dictatorships are on Earth, and before you know it they’re thinking heaven is something like North Korea.”
While religious fervor can motivate the faithful to action, it doesn’t necessarily inspire them to check their own work. The new law specifically states The year 1984 is heretofore banned instead of The book 1984 is heretofore banned. To make matters worse, no one in the state government wants to change the new edict because doing so would make it look like the libs won.
Now that the year 1984 is effectively canceled in The Sunshine State no one knows what to do when referencing major events that happened that year. Incumbent Ronald Reagan won reelection against Walter Mondale. The charity supergroup Band Aid raised money for famine relief in Ethiopia with their hit song Do They Know It’s Christmas? and the LA Olympics took place that fateful year.
Florida Republicans are currently discussing plans of action. Some lawmakers think it’s best just to ignore everything that happened because there is certainly no chance of repeating the mistakes of the past when you ignore history. Others are supporting the idea of simply rebranding 1984 as 1983 Part II. However, political experts are predicting that right-wing politicians will do nothing to address the issue and blame people who are transexual for all the calendar related problems.
What many Floridians are realizing is that saying, reading, and even thinking the word 1984 is a felony. Who would’ve thought Ron DeSantis would make 1984 a thought crime?
It turns out a lot of teachers suspected this would happen.
One anonymous teacher summed up what most were thinking, “I’m surprised it took him this long to do it.”
Punishments for those breaking this law include a hefty fine, reading Ron DeSantis’ autobiography, and attending church services.
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