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As part of an ongoing attempt to correct the long-term drift toward inappropriate accuracy in the teaching of US history, Governor Ron DeSantis has ordered that American slaves in the pre-Civil War era be referred to as “unpaid interns.” The Florida Department of Education has installed cameras in classrooms to ensure teachers follow the new regulations.

Slavery wasn’t that bad. They were given a roof over their heads as well as food. That’s better than what we give today’s unpaid interns.

Florida Secretary of Education Andrew Canard

State officials believe using the term slavery is “divisive” and “unpatriotic.” Many Republicans claim that unpaid interns is far more respectful to the Black people who were kidnapped from Africa, stripped of their human rights, and treated as property.

White evangelicals are lauding the decisive leadership of the Governor. One anonymous churchgoer said, “This is payback for the woke mob forcing my favorite band Lady Antebellum to change their name to Lady A.”

Historians around the world are uniting to fight this false narrative put forth by DeSantis and his allies. History professors within the United States are working on a strongly worded letter to send to DeSantis. “Slavers physically whipped slaves. Black families were separated. Black women were used as sex objects. A strongly worded letter is just what we need right now,” one historian said.

Under Governor DeSantis’ leadership, Florida’s education system is quickly deteriorating. NPR reported Florida Gov. DeSantis takes aim at what he sees as indoctrination in schools.

Barbara Segal, a high school government teacher in Fort Lauderdale, recently took a three-day training session on Florida’s new civics standards. She says, “They were pushing an ideological agenda.” In the training materials, Segal says, slides said it was a “misconception” that the Founding Fathers wanted strict separation of church and state and that they in fact wanted religion to be promoted. 

Some of the most jarring material seemed to downplay the role of slavery in the country’s founding, including one that stated that only 4 percent of enslaved people from Africa came to the colonies.

“Which means,” Segal concluded, “we’re not that bad.”

Pundits believed Florida couldn’t get any worse after it canceled 54 science textbooks over ‘prohibited topics’ like Uranus. At the time, Florida Secretary of Education Andrew Canard said, “The planet Uranus is suggestive and may lead impressionable students to a life of sodomy.” However, there is a growing consensus that things can always get worse and that the Sunshine State is the world’s leading innovator of faith-based derangement.

In related news, megachurch ministers embezzled millions.

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...