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Conservative Christians are heralding another political victory in Florida due to the new regulations concerning crucifractions. The new faith-based math is now mandatory throughout the state.

But what are crucifractions?

A fraction shows part of a whole. Derived from the Latin word fractio, ‘to break’. A crucifraction is the non-pagan/non-demonic version of a fraction.

Florida Board of Education

Crucifractions are the brainchild of Andrew Canard, CEO of Jesus Maths Inc, a company promoting Christianity in the classroom. Canard lobbied the state to adopt the unique way of teaching fractions that will lead children to adopt Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

Jesus is 100% man and 100% God. That’s the math kids need to hear about.

Andrew Canard

Data from Jesus Maths shows that all students benefit from the crucifractions curriculum. A recent study shows dramatic results.

  • 98% of evangelical students can identify the Trinity as a whole number as well as a crucifraction.
  • 87% of Jewish and Muslim students understand Trinitarian Christianity is definitely not some version of polytheistic monotheism.
  • 76% of all students recognize that it’s possible to feed a multitude of poor and hungry families on food assistance with one loaf of bread and a can of tuna.

Parents who homeschool their children are praising crucifactions, a system they’ve been utilizing for years.

Here are some of their testimonials.

an angry man

My people perish for lack of knowledge this is the knowledge we need to know of Thank You Father for sending us this knowledge through your Holy Spirit and your faithfull servants.

– David “This is my inside voice” Davis

an older man

Warning ⚠️ be Ready for your life to be Transformed forever by God, as well as the way you understand Prayer.

– Manny “Why can’t I say the N-word?” Cullen

Will be using for teaching and believe it is a valuable aid to my subject matter.

– William “Are these pot brownies?” Timmel

In related news, a Catholic priest was hospitalized after trying to exorcise a cat.


All pictures from Unsplash.com.

And those testimonials?

I nipped them from online reviews of the book Dangerous Prayers from the Courts of Heaven that Destroy Evil Altars: Establishing the Legal Framework for Closing Demonic Entryways and Breaking Generational Chains of Darkness.

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...