The city council of Cambridge, Massachusetts voted 5-2 in favor of mandating full body condoms for children under the age of 18 when engaging in activities considered Catholic. Any time a child enters a church, attends a private Catholic school, or visits Father Coughlin for a friendly game of Jenga, the minor must be wrapped in a protective covering from head to toe.
The new city ordinance is nicknamed Spotlight after the award winning movie depicting the Church’s systematic coverup of child rapes perpetrated by Catholic priests in the Boston area.
“The Catholic Church insists it can monitor itself and ensure the safety of kids in its flock,” stated City Council Member Andrew Canard. “Full body condoms will be a gentle reminder for the clergy to keep their hands to themselves.”
Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) developed the material for the condom. As soon as the Church sex abuse scandal broke researchers understood that there was a need to create a breathable protective barrier that allowed movement as well as ensuring the wearer to see and hear.
“Getting the garment to lock from the inside was key,” stated Professor Mathew Jules. “Making sure that the feet move freely wasn’t easy. It seemed for a while that we were going to have to sacrifice mobility for protection. But that was an absurd idea. What would prevent a priest from scooping a lot of them up in a wheelbarrow?”
The Catholic Church is up in arms over “the overreach” by local officials to protect minors. An official letter from the Church to the Cambridge City Council demands that the new law be revoked immediately and city money is used to subsidize the Church’s new child care centers Shhhhh, it’s a secret!
“We were going to go with Father Knows Best for a name for the centers, but Shhhhh, it’s a secret is more Catholic,” stated one anonymous source.
Children who have tested the full body condoms report that the experience of wearing one is slightly uncomfortable. However, all have reported the device works even after a game of ultimate Jenga at Father Coughlin’s house.
Stay in touch! Like Laughing in Disbelief on Facebook: