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Heaven – Jehovah, the Lord Almighty, and Tamer of Leviathan admitted to His creation that He’s been quiet quitting in goblin mode. He made the announcement while binge-watching the second season of SpongeBob Squarepants and eating a trail mix consisting of Kit-Kats, Cheez-Its, and Sour Patch Kids.

I’ve been quiet quiting since the Old Testament.

God

Quiet quitting is typically defined as placing healthy boundaries between work and one’s personal life. Quiet quitters don’t actually quit. Rather, they do only what is necessary to fulfill their job descriptions and refuse to engage in activities like working off the clock or volunteering for extra duties.

Goblin mode is a state of behaving that intentionally and shamelessly gives in to and indulges in base habits and activities without regard for adhering to social norms or expectations. Similar to the slacker movement of the 1990s, those in goblin mode are focused on activities like playing video games for an entire weekend, occasionally going to the refrigerator, and moving the least amount possible.

“I pioneered quiet quitting in the Old Testament. Just open up a Bible and take a look. Early on I’m making the universe, stopping by and having chats with people, and making up a whole lot of rules,” God said in between taking sips from his Big Gulp of Mountain Dew. “In the New Testament, I put all my job duties on Jesus and the Holy Spirit.”

Jesus and the Holy Spirit took notice, and are in competition to see who can out goblin the other. The Holy Spirit hasn’t done anything since the Protestant Reformation, and Jesus was supposed to return within a few years of his death and resurrection. The most he does now is show up on the occasional slice of toast.

Sources within the angelic host are taking a page from their boss’s playbook. While some angels are doing their jobs, most are not. Guardian angels are guarding nothing but nachos and extra-crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken.

For years the faithful knew in their heart of hearts something was wrong. If God is all-knowing, all-good, and all-powerful how can Donald Trump exist? With this new epiphany, Christians are realizing why their prayers aren’t being answered and the sick are not healed.

Responding to the divine revelation, a new denomination is forming calling themselves Born Again Goblinists. The Golblinists hold the basic beliefs of Christianity, and they are just as hypocritical as everyday Christians. However, they are very chill.

“I find Goblinists to be a breath of fresh air,” admitted one anonymous theologian. “They are too busy playing Elden Ring to vote for anyone like Marjorie Taylor Greene or Matt Gaetz.”

In related news, one churchgoer turned the cheek 360 degrees and hit a fellow parishioner in the face.


Hey, that super awesome picture is from Unsplash.com

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...