Heaven – A new devastating revelation reveals that God the Almighty created an 8th day of the week just for His own enjoyment. This bombshell is leaving some Christians to wonder what other important matters the Bible has conveniently left out.
The 8th day’s genesis
Confidential heavenly sources report there have always been rumors among the heavenly host that an 8th day exists. There were divine signs. For example, Yahweh would show up on Sunday with a savage tan that He definitely didn’t have on Saturday night. “You don’t get that sort of thing with just using bronzer,” one observant angelic servant of the LORD noted. “How did he find the time to get it? I’ll tell you, the Big Man has an extra day squirreled away.”
Archangel Andrew Canard is God’s personal secretary and was responsible for transcribing the LORD’s edicts into the Bible. Friends close to Canard say that their friend would occasionally slip up over drinks and mention something called “Yahday”. When questioned, the secretary insisted he misspoke and there definitely wasn’t an 8th day named after Yahweh.
“He’s a good scribbler, but Andy can’t hold his tongue after a few cocktails,” a close friend confided.
Yahweh’s story changes over time
When confronted by the heavenly souls of the departed, God denied there was anything like an 8th, 9th, or 10th day. “Why would I do anything like that?” He asked. “I love being around you guys and doing God stuff.”
The divine story quickly started unraveling. Just last week God the Father admitted he was quiet quitting his duties and was solidly in goblin mode for eternity.
“I pioneered quiet quitting in the Old Testament. Just open up a Bible and take a look. Early on I’m making the universe, stopping by and having chats with people, and making up a whole lot of rules,” God said in between taking sips from his Big Gulp of Mountain Dew. “In the New Testament, I put all my job duties on Jesus and the Holy Spirit.”God admits He is quiet quitting in goblin mode
Yahweh was again confronted with his previous comments about “goblining” and this time He admitted that sure, that might be a motivation for him to have a few side days for himself, but there’s no hard evidence for it.
And then came the hard evidence.
Sick of all the lies God’s personal secretary Andrew Canard released texts from the LORD’s burner phone and they were damning. Not only was there an 8th side day, but that’s where He keeps His side chicks.
On hearing the news Yahweh broke down and admitted it was all true. However, He said He didn’t need to apologize because of divine command theory and everything He does by definition has to be good.
Church leaders are happy that God’s newest scandal doesn’t include children
Catholic Church leaders are currently in damage control since a new report states there have been 400 victims of sexual abuse in the Kansas diocese since 1950 and that 188 Catholic clergy members are alleged predators.
Some of the victims withheld vital information from investigators because they said they had signed non-disclosure agreements. In many cases, the report said, Church leaders failed to report allegations of abuse to law enforcement, failed to keep records of those allegations, and failed to conduct thorough internal investigations.Report: 188 Catholic clergy members in Kansas are alleged predators
“God having side pieces in a side day is nothing in comparison to this,” one priest said. “Hopefully it’ll distract people from the child abuse story.”
The Devil admits every day is Sunday in Hell
While the scandal rages in Heaven, the Devil wanted to once again go on the record and say that every day in Hell is a Sunday and that you have to go to church for the whole day.
“We tried out a lot of different tortures such as the fiery pit, hot pokers up the nether hole, and the *comfy chair. All the data we collected showed beyond doubt that the worse thing we could subject people to is eternal church services,” the Devil said.
Souls entrapped in Hell agree. A full 666% of those questioned say that sitting in uncomfortable pews, listening to the horribly discordant children’s choir, and being told how loving God really is once you redefine the word love is absolutely the worse torture. Those showing the most discomfort are those souls who died before Christianity was a thing and have little to no idea what is going on.
God’s infallible plan going forward
Yahweh refuses to comment on what He plans to do with the 8th day or the mistresses He is hiding there. Quoting “mysterious ways” He just plans to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew. And if anyone doesn’t like it, then they may have to enjoy an eternity of Sunday services.
In related news, in a new study mental illness is linked with religious beliefs.
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