God, the Tamer of Leviathan, admits His 20s were rough but He’s now loving life by kicking back and enjoying the ride.
A lot of the Almighty’s young adulthood was spent dominating, creating, and inventing crazy culinary rules for Jews. However, having the maturity that age brings, God is embarrassed by some of the things He did.
I was a kid with a chip on my shoulder. On the other hand, I absolutely crushed it with creation. Have you see a platypus? It’s got a duck bill that’s sensitive to electrical fields, webbed feet, lays eggs and still a mammal. I added a poisonous spur onto the males. That’s what you call intelligent design, people.
Everyone accepts omniscient and omnipotent beings age at a different rate. What people are still scratching their heads over, however, are the choices God made back in the day regarding penises.
As soon as I put foreskins on penises, I had something like buyer’s remorse. When I compare “natural” human penises with my big creative hits like the platypus (sorry to drone on about those guys) I knew I had to make some adjustments. That’s how circumcision became a thing.
God admit he got fixated on penises and foreskins. When the topic of the biblical David killing 200 Philistines and taking their foreskins to his future father-in-law as a present, God becomes very quiet. “Next question, please,” He stated.
These days God has taken a whole new attitude. His face lit up when He talked about now being a clockmaker type of deity. His days are spent watching natural selection play itself out and working out. His newest goal is to finish a Tough Mudder.
*This little bit is based on the 2 minutes of my life I will never get back when I read Britney Spears Says Her 20s Were “Horrible”
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