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Kittens and Cats Share The Satanic Temple’s 7 Tenets

Washington DC – Reverend. Paula White, the chair of President Trump’s evangelical as well as his personal advisor, demanded Democratic hopeful Joe Biden quit the race for President.

The reason?

God doesn’t want Joe Biden to be President of the United States of America.

“I was watching myself on television preach the prosperity gospel of Jesus,” Reverend White said. “And Jesus spoke directly to me through the TV and said, ‘Reverend Paula, you have to tell Americans Joe Biden needs to stand aside and let a real man like Donald J Trump make America great again, again.'”

Skeptical voters may think, Politicians in the US routinely are told by the Almighty they need to run for public office. Why should we listen this time?”

Reverend Paula White already thought of that query and has a ready response.

“I’m rich. I’m on the God level of affluence. We’re talking Nazi rich. Doesn’t every real American want to reap God’s blessings and be Nazi rich?” she asked.

Professor Andrew Canard teaches Trumpian Mental Disorders at Miskatonic University. He notes the recent divine edict will only hold water amongst President Trump’s cult members. “Good people of America, do not be fooled by this woman’s teeth whitener and blond hair,” he suggested.

Evangelical leaders are preaching Reverend White’s revelation from their pulpits. They warn their congregations that Jesus doesn’t want them to have health insurance or social security. After all, the more miserable a society is the more people rely on faith.

In related news, Jerry Falwell Jr tells his critics Jesus had to sit in the corner and watch God impregnate Mary. 

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...