Reading Time: 2 minutes President Donald Trump shakes hands with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., during a ceremony where he will sign H.J. Res. 38 in the Roosevelt Room of the White House in Washington, Thursday, Feb. 16, 2017. Behind from left are Rep. Evan Jenkins, R-W.Va., and Rep. Jim Jordan, R-Ohio.(AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Washington DC – Republican lawmakers are coming out of the closet and telling the world they will not be the victims of verbal abuse anymore. For too long, they argue, their enemies have been slurring their good names with the word racist.

“Prominent Republicans were kicked off Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, the deli line at Stop’n Save, and, yes, even the Myspace after being called racist,” Georgia Representative Andrew Canard said. “It’s time we make that word our own.”

Republicans are telling major media outlets racist is their n-word. To call Trump supporters and other fascists the r-word is bigoted and discriminatory. The only people allowed to the r-word are other people who self-identify as 100% hardcore r-worders.

“I was an old school racist before racism was cool,” explained President Trump to a crowd of supporters. “My crew’s color is white, and our sign is the right hand over the heart and the left is in the pants.”

Rank and file Trump supporters are excited they can now openly say they are racist. GOP supporters feel they have the freedom to trigger liberals and other believers in the rule of law with abandon. A cottage industry of merchandise is springing up to cash in on the r-word craze. R-word T-shirts, yoga pants, and tote bags are selling like hot cakes. Chik-fil-A is now offering a limited time r-word special value meal.

Police around the country expect an uptick in violent confrontations between those who still use the r-word to identify r-worders and those r-worders who consider r-words to be fighting words.

“The law may allow r-worders to physically attack those who use that term incorrectly,” stated an anonymous lawyer. “The Supreme Court did say ‘fighting words’ are not protected by the First Amendment. Things will get messy very quickly.”

Meanwhile, President Trump is using the r-word at every opportunity and his political base loves it. He greets cabinet members with a chest bump and a hearty, “Hey, my r-worder.” Sources in the White House state the 2020 campaign may just be Make Racists Greaterer Again!

*The premise for this Poe was thought up by my cohost of the Naked Diner, Jack Matirko.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...